When Nobody Needs You

When the calls slow down and the people you love stop “needing” you, it can feel like relief and loss at the same time. We sit with that tension and ask the question most midlifers don’t say out loud: who am I when I’m no longer the go-to person? From empty nest syndrome to retirement and the end of a demanding caregiving season, we unpack why midlife transitions can shake your identity even when life is getting lighter.

We get practical about the roles that quietly become labels: the peacekeeper, the constant problem solver, the family connector, the dependable leader at work, and the “ATM” who always fills the financial gaps. We talk about how generosity and responsibility turn costly when they become a strategy for feeling worthy, and how “needing to be needed” can lead to overfunctioning, resentment, and exhaustion. We also explore how culture, gender expectations, and provider pressure can hit men especially hard when the old script changes at home or at work.

Then we move into coaching mode with questions you can actually use: where do you feel most valuable because you’re needed, what story do you tell yourself when people need you less, what has being indispensable cost you, and who might you become if usefulness were not the measure of your worth? You’ll also get our midlife experiment for the week: one uninterrupted hour doing something that serves nobody else, with no productivity requirements and no performance.

If this hits home, subscribe, share the episode with a friend who’s navigating midlife change, and leave a quick review so more listeners can find the conversation. What would you make room for if you weren’t measuring your worth by usefulness?

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💃🏽Stacy M. Lewis
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🎩Wayne Dawson
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When The Phone Stops Ringing

Coach Stacy 0:09

What happens when the phone stops ringing quite so much? Or the kids don't need you like they used to, or your team can solve problems without you. The caregiving season changes. Maybe you retire, change jobs, or simply realize that everybody can actually survive without you. You wanted some freedom, you prayed for some rest, and now that you've got a little of it, why does it feel so strange? Who are you when nobody needs you? That's what we're talking about today.

Welcome And Midlife Mission

Coach Wayne 0:53

You found the midlife revolution unleashed, the space to embrace your wisdom, reignite your passions, and move boldly into what's next. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach.

Coach Stacy 1:06

And I'm Coach Stacy M. Lewis. We're here with insights, stories, and strategies to fuel your midlife journey. So take a breath, lean in. Your revolution starts now.

Coach Wayne 1:23

Stacy. They don't need me like they used to, Stacy. They don't need me like they used to.

Coach Stacy 1:31

Ah man, you need some tissues, huh?

Coach Wayne 1:35

What's up, Miss Coach Stacy?

Coach Stacy 1:38

It is the truth, Coach Wayne. It is that season, right? This joyous midlife season where we're not needed in the same ways. We want to welcome you, our listener, to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. I am your co-host, Coach Stacy M. Lewis, Midlife Woman's Coach, a nonprofit executive, and a lover of God and his people. And I'm always so excited to be joined with the one, the only, the incomparable, Coach Wayne. Introduce yourself, Coach Wayne.

Coach Wayne 2:11

Coach Stacy. It is my pleasure, always a pleasure to be on the platform sharing with you, Coach Stacy. And today I just want to let folks know that if you're a black man or a man of color in midlife, I'm your guy. So I work with men of color to help them make sure that their second half is their better half. Coach Stacy, today we want to talk about a mindset that oftentimes hits midlifers, and that is as they move forward in their lives, both professionally and personally, there is this gap where they don't think that they are

Empty Nest And Caregiver Whiplash

Coach Wayne 2:52

as useful or needed as they were before.

Coach Stacy 2:58

Interesting season. And I had the the joy of spending some time with a friend recently, and her youngest had just gone off to college in August. And so we were talking about just, you know, how she was experiencing not only the empty nest, but more importantly, how she was beginning to re-experience herself and recognizing that I now that I'm not needed in that same way maternally, I don't really know who I am. And so I think that this is a beautiful time of rediscovery, if that's where you are. But we also recognize that this applies beyond being a parent, right?

Coach Wayne 4:08

Yeah. It is true. A lot of folks at retirement sort of sink in terms of who they are. They they don't perform as well. In fact, it is noted, I think, through research, that a lot of folks decline in terms of health after retirement because their sense of worth and their sense of contribution is tainted. They feel like people no longer need them, they don't have that value. And this is a perception that oftentimes cripples folks in terms of their wellness and their sense of worth.

Coach Stacy 4:49

Right, right. So it happens on the job, it happens as a parent. It also happens as a caregiver, right? I know that, you know, once once my dad had passed after doing so much running and so much caregiving, you know, running up and down the highway and all of that, and recognizing that that need shifted, I can immediately reconnect with that feeling of of unsuredness or uncertainty. Like, what do I do now? Not not that I didn't have other stuff to do, but you know, feeling like I'm no longer needed in that way and recognizing how that role as a caregiver impacted my identity.

Coach Wayne 5:51

Yeah. We are along dealing with Audre and I, the emptiness syndrome. My Audre's last child, Talia, now 25. In fact, she celebrates a birthday this weekend. She was the last, yeah. Thank you. She was the last to leave the nest. And we were dying for ushering her out. You know what I mean? We gave her artificial wings to fly. Stacey, once she left the nest, it took a while to get used to the fact that we had no more kids in the house. And so there was a gap, an emptiness. And worse than that, my kids, biological kids, there are four of them, they're all young adults now as well. They don't call as much, Stacy. And for a while, that really bothered me that I wasn't able to touch space with them as frequently.

Roles That Quietly Become Identity

Coach Stacy 6:52

Yeah, I over time, right? Parentally, professionally, even as an entrepreneur, we can find ourselves saying or thinking, you know, recognizing that what I do can quietly become who I am. And they're not, they're not the same, right? But we talked in the green room about how intrinsically this being needed can become part of your identity, right? Like how you identify yourself, how you see yourself as as valuable. And so recognizing that, you know, what you do and who you are are not the same. And we want to be able to dismantle that a little bit today so that we can all move forward in a way that is more in line with who we truly are and as we continue to make impact. Coach Wayne, what would you say? What are some of the descriptions that you know that nobody maybe called you, but that you can you can either reflect on or connect with as this being needed, right? How are you seen as being needed?

Coach Wayne 8:21

Well, you know, I'm the family griot. I I I talk a lot, Stacy, little figure. But I also am the connector for for the cultural shift or differences we have. There's a part of our family that's from Jamaica, and then there's the US. And there are people sprinkled all over Canada, UK, but really primarily the US and Canada family. There are uncles, you know, that shared these children, but it's another generation away from the uncles. So and my father. So what happens is the cousins don't know each other.

Coach Stacy 9:03

Yeah.

Coach Wayne 9:04

But but Wayne is like a connector. So I get calls all the time about folk who are asking, is your father related to XY and this kind of thing? So yeah, that's one of the roles that I have had to, it was given to me.

Coach Stacy 9:22

Yeah, that's that's uh that's that's one that feels good, I think, in identity, right? I also remember you and I chatting previously, and you referred to yourself as the ATM.

Coach Wayne 9:36

Yes, right.

Coach Stacy 9:40

Right.

Coach Wayne 9:41

Not as much, not as much these days, Stacy. Show them the door.

Coach Stacy 9:44

Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, right?

Coach Wayne 9:48

Yeah, have you been there, Stacy?

Coach Stacy 9:50

I I have definitely been there. Being a single parent, I have definitely been there. And one of my personal goals is to be almost recklessly generous, right? But I find that it does, it can easily turn into being the ATM, whether it be for my, you know, my son, my my nieces, family members, you know, and I and I have to make sure that I'm not, I don't know, about taking advantage of, maybe, but I have to make sure that I'm doing, I'm doing it in a way that it's not connected to me feeling more valuable, right? I don't want to give to help me feel more valuable. I want to give because I can be generous or because there is a need, but it's it's not that it's all dependent upon me. So it is this interesting balance around, you know, being needed, who I am, being perceived as needy. Yeah, I'm often seen as the peacekeeper, you know, either either the peacekeeper, sometime the problem solver, the the listener to so someone can talk things out again and again and again. And sometime even that being needed at that level, I have to manage so that it doesn't become exhausting or draining.

Coach Wayne 11:32

No doubt. And so, like if you were traveling or unavailable for a situation that uh sprung up where the peacekeeping was needed, and it happens without your involvement. Does it impact you? Do you feel like, oh man, they they they made a call without me?

Coach Stacy 11:53

There are times I will admit to the answer being yes. As a leader, as an executive in an organization, that happens as well, right? Where I'm used to being seen as whether it's an approver or someone that can solve the problem, and to then see that I've poured into and nurtured and or at least tried to nurture a team in a way that they begin to solve the problems and move on. And I found myself saying, I don't really know what's going on, right? So that meant that I was much less needed in certain situations, and I had to grapple with that to make sure that, you know, I'm not seeing, I'm not projecting a level of neediness simply because I feel left out or I feel like I'm not needed anymore.

Gender Expectations And Provider Pressure

Coach Wayne 12:54

Got you. Stace, I want us to touch, if we may, a little bit on this culture, gender, expectation stuff that happens. And many of the men that I see, the brothers I work with, they struggle with the idea that they are supposed to be the providers, the protectors, you know, all that stuff. And as they get older, oftentimes, whether it's because of health or they've gotten to the place where they have simply moved forward and moved on, or especially today, where women, right, or female counterparts getting more college degrees and they're earning more money, and oftentimes in in the home, they have replaced as the primary breadwinner. That really throws off many of the men that I work with as far as their sense of they don't need me anymore because you know I'm I'm not able to be the go-to guy as far as money and the provider.

Coach Stacy 13:57

And and so that's a problem for yeah, you know, uh in listening to, I was just thinking about the duality there in some ways, right? For uh it's funny because you know, I can recall being in church and actively involved in church, and there would be certain women, and we would say every time the door opens, Sister So-and-so is there, right? And it was because often because, and not that we want to diminish the heart of a servant, but often it was because they needed to be seen as important or sacrificing or being a bit of a modern. I'll I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it, right? So every time the doors of the church open, not just on Sundays, but you know, Tuesday morning and Thursday afternoon, and just overgiving in a way, because of that, in some circumstances, because of that need for that, that was their affirmation, that was their applause or acknowledgement, just being seen as, you know, I'm needed in this role. And I think women often, you know, carry those those levels of responsibilities, whether it be in the church or community or you know, in the family or on the job, and it's being strong for everyone else, yet not really paying attention to what that is doing. What's that what's that costing you?

Coach Wayne 15:53

Yeah, costing. So it's I don't think being needed is really the problem and the concern.

The Hidden Cost Of Overfunctioning

Coach Wayne 16:00

I think we have a bigger issue, a larger issue when needing to be needed shows up.

Coach Stacy 16:08

Yes.

Coach Wayne 16:08

Well, you thought about that, Stacy.

Coach Stacy 16:10

I I could not agree with you more, right? It is it is the the needing to be needed that is connected to the identity. It is that that also causes the expense, right? The needing to be needed causes us to overfunction. It can cause us to be resentful of people, right? Because we need to be needed and they don't need us. Um, that yeah, that needing to be needed is can be costly.

Coach Wayne 16:47

Yeah. And it also gets in a way of helping others to develop fully, to develop in terms of their own capacity. If we gotta get in and do it all in the green room, I was sharing sharing with you that growing up, my mother, great as she has always been, God bless her. My mother spoiled me so badly that if my dad said to me, Don't leave the room until you make your bed, which was pretty much what he said every time. And then he would go off to work or go away for a minute. My mom came behind and made sure, because she's like, You don't know what you're doing. Because kind of, I don't know if I didn't know how to make the bed, but I would make sure that it was funny. You'd see a hat, a little lump underneath the bed. So she came in and she says, I got it. And I just let her do it. So when I, as a young adult, when I moved out to the home, I didn't even know how to make my bed properly, Stacy. So again, it's it's we can get in the way of the people we love and those who we we guide and manage by doing too much.

Coach Stacy 17:53

Yeah, yeah, that that's good, right? In that in that sense of he needs me to do this for him, it then not recognizing the cost, which was not necessarily the cost on her. I'm sure she did it out of full love, but the the the expense was yours to pay, right? Being a young adult and not knowing how to make your bed, right? It's simple, but it is the fact that, you know, I think just quickly biblically, right, the whole the whole point of Christ making disciples, right, was so that he could teach them how to fish for men, right? Not that so he would be the doer and they would be the witnesses, but so that they could then go and do. And so as parents, as professionals, as entrepreneurs, our role is to teach, right? Is to lead, is to guide, is to be example. And to once we feel like we've imparted the knowledge, the how to make the bed, we then can put our hands up and know that we've done what it was we were supposed to do. And so, you know, not paying that that cost in a way that then debilitates others, I think is key.

Coach Wayne 19:22

Yeah. And before we jump into a coach and chair segment, Stacey, what you speak of in terms of become debilitating is about rest, right? If we feel needed all the time and we gotta show up and be and do and all that, then where do we get a chance to get some rest? So Stacey, let's jump in the coach and chair, put on our coaching hats and and bring our listener in.

Coaching Questions For Self Worth

Coach Stacy 19:50

Absolutely.

Coach Wayne 19:51

Yeah. So I want to start off with some questions. And the first one would be where do you feel most valuable because you are needed at work, in the family, in your relationship with your partner, at church, your friendships, in your community?

Coach Stacy 20:15

Yeah, it's a beautiful question to ask, to ask yourself as you check in on your own level of neediness. Another question is: what do you tell yourself it means when people need you less? So often we see it, we witness people needing us less, but what do we tell ourselves, whether it be in I'm getting old or I'm being replaced, or I'm not important, or I've done great, I've done well in in passing on. I'm I'm not needed, and that's how it's supposed to be. So, what do you tell yourself it means when people need you less?

Coach Wayne 21:08

And Stacy, yeah, that one we got to be careful with because a lot of times we're listening to voices outside of our heads, other people. So, you know, I would challenge your the listener in a gentle way, a loving way, to question is it a fact that this is what it is, or you've given it meaning.

Coach Stacy 21:33

Yeah, so often we can give something meaning. Often it for women, often it's it's a shame based meaning, right? You start making meaning out of things that don't necessarily connote that that truth. And so, really great point, Coach Wayne.

Coach Wayne 21:53

Yeah. And especially for our businessmen, uh, our entrepreneurs, our Men and women, pardon me, people who have a lot of ambition and drive, what has being indispensable cost you? You know? What haven't you had time to do, the energy to do, or permission to discover because you were always on duty?

Coach Stacy 22:25

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Again, reflecting on a recent conversation, you know, we were talking about a woman and I were talking about the inability to be still, right? And it is out of, in part, out of a habit of being needed, out of a habit of pouring out so much that there's nothing left. So that when you have the opportunity to be still, distraction easily jumps in because you're just not even prepared to deal with yourself, your own feelings, your own experiences. It's much, it's it's much easier in some way to continue to be needed, to pour out, to overextend the energy than it is to be mindful, kind, generous to yourself. And so I think as coaches, we often want you to look at what it is it's costing you because that's what helps begin the shift, right? When you acknowledge that it's costing you something, it's not always costing you money. Time is our most precious resource, right? Is it costing you time, energy, permission to discover who you are, as Coach Wayne said? I think it's an excellent question, Coach Wayne.

Coach Wayne 23:58

Thanks, Stace. Stace, you know, so many people show up on our doorstep in the world that we do with psychopathologists, right? They have just mindset stuff that is theirs to own, especially during this time of or these days of uncertainty in this country, where people are more anxious and more depressed. And a lot of that has to do with shifting identity because folks no longer fit the mode or what they did before. They've retired, they are older, they're going through changes in terms of their life transitions, and they haven't yet understood that you can still cope because midlife especially doesn't mean the end of the road, it's it's an opportunity. The people who survive those areas are the ones who seize the opportunity to remake themselves.

Coach Stacy 25:08

Yeah, yeah. Well said. Well said. I think we have one more question, right? And that is who might you become if usefulness were not the measure of your worth? So often, right? We're we're talking about worth and worthiness and and how you feel about your own uh value. So who might you become if usefulness were not the measure of your worth?

Coach Wayne 25:44

Yep. Who else am I?

Coach Stacy 25:48

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. Absolutely. What would you say, Coach Wayne, our our midlife experiment is of the day? What's the action that our leads

One Hour That Belongs To You

Coach Stacy 26:04

are?

Coach Wayne 26:04

I would I would suggest that just spend one uninterrupted hour this week doing something that serves nobody else. That's not being selfish, that's being selfless too. It's working on you, just focusing, you know, no productivity requirements, no monetizing this thing, you know, not doing something for the family or just it's about doing something for you. One hour.

Coach Stacy 26:40

Yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah, to ask yourself some of those questions as you have this uninterrupted hour. Like, what do I enjoy? What do I want? What feels uncomfortable in my life right now? Those kinds of questions can really, you know, help us begin to refocus on us, again, as you said, not from a selfish perspective, but you know, if the captain of the ship goes down, you know the ship is done, right? So we're saying, you know, you are the captain of your ship. And we want you to be a healthy, whole captain, right? One that is like bringing people along, not from a place of neediness, not because they need you, but because you're going somewhere that is based on your vision, your passions, your purpose, your value.

Coach Wayne 27:57

Yeah. And that time that you would have freed up, not worried about serving others or being needed, serve yourself. You know, go to a bookstore. There's still bookstores, by the way, folks, real books, and just wander through the aisles, you know, sit outside at a cafe, listen to some music.

Coach Stacy 28:18

Yeah, take yourself somewhere. Right. Right. Right. I think our revolution question of the day is if usefulness were not the measure of your worth, what would you make room for?

Coach Wayne 28:38

Sit with that.

Coach Stacy 28:40

You get to decide.

Coach Wayne 28:43

I would I would invite our listener to complete the following statement. Beyond what I do for other people, I fill in the blank.

Coach Stacy 28:55

That could produce really a beautiful revelation, a beautiful life conversation without requiring people to reveal anything overly personal. That is beautiful.

Coach Wayne 29:09

Coach

Subscribe And Final Takeaways

Coach Wayne 29:10

Stacey, we thank you. Coach Stacey, before we go farther, we want to remind our listeners that if you've been tuned into us, this is season four, and we have passed over 100 episodes. So if you've been getting some sort of benefits from listening in, please subscribe. It helps the algorithm to push it out to more listeners. And we're just happy to make this bigger and better for you. So please subscribe. Let us hear from you.

Coach Stacy 29:39

Well said, Coach Wayne. We are just so thrilled and appreciative of our listening and viewing audience and want to thank you for being a part of this journey with us. Wayne and I don't have all the answers, but we are here in this beautiful season of midlife with you, and we believe that it's time for our revolution to be unleashed. Me, I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 30:09

And me, I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.

Coach Stacy 30:16

Thanks for tuning in to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. We're grateful you're part of this journey.

Coach Wayne 30:22

If you love this episode, share it, subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you don't miss another episode.

Coach Stacy 30:29

I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 30:32

And I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.