Your Time Is Valuable So Choose Your Yes Carefully

Your calendar can look “full” and still feel empty. That’s the midlife moment we’re naming today: every yes matters, not because you’re out of time, but because you finally know what your peace, energy, and presence are worth. We take on a deceptively simple question that can change everything: what still deserves your yes? 

We talk candidly about why saying yes becomes automatic, from lack of focus to pressure, fear, tradition, and the guilt that masquerades as responsibility. We also challenge the idea that every open door is your assignment. Sometimes the most mature move in midlife leadership is stepping back, noticing ego, and letting the right opportunity belong to someone else. The real win is alignment: saying yes to what matches your values, your priorities, and the season you’re actually in. 

To make this practical, we lay out four categories of yes (obligation, opportunity, assignment, alignment) and share our SACRED discernment framework: Season, Alignment, Capacity, Reason, Energy, and Direction. It’s a simple midlife coaching tool you can use before you commit, so you can respond with a clean yes, a clear no, a grounded not now, or even “give me some time to reflect.” If you’ve been craving better boundaries, more self-trust, and decisions that support the life you’re building, this conversation is for you. 

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Transcript

Sports, Real Life, And Opening

Coach Stacy 0:12

Well, at midnight, every yes matters. Not because we're running out of time, but because we're finally wise enough to know that our energy, our peace, purpose, and presence are just too valuable to keep spending on things that no longer align. After talking about finishing what we start, the next mature question is what still deserves my yes? Because some things need to be finished, some things need to be released, some things need to be paused, and some things were never ours to carry in the first place. Let's talk.

Coach Wayne 0:54

You found the midlife revolution unleashed, the space to embrace your wisdom, reignite your passions, and move boldly into what's next. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach.

Coach Stacy 1:08

And I'm Coach Stacy M. Lewis. We're here with insights, stories, and strategies to fuel your midlife journey. So take a breath, lean in. Your revolution starts now.

Coach Wayne 1:25

Hello, hello, hello. It's a wonderful Thursday, and it's really great. It's really great if you are a New York Knickerbacker fan. Because Stacy. What? Last night, Magic at the Gardens.

Coach Stacy 1:42

Let's talk about that for a minute. Come on, that is worthy of chatter. What?

Coach Wayne 1:50

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Martin.

Coach Stacy 1:52

Did you see that tip in? Oh my goodness.

Coach Wayne 1:57

I kid you not. I was so exhausted when I started watching the game, and I was tuned in, and when they got to be trailing at 29 points, I allowed myself to drift off. I was like, okay, here we go. You know, San Antonio next. I woke back up and they had reduced it to 15 points by the fourth quarter, and I tuned in like this. And Stacy, unbelievable. Congratulations to the New York Knickerbacks and Stacy. Come on, we just need one more win.

Coach Stacy 2:31

One more win. I know, I know. I saw a picture on Facebook with his sister that I know was, you know, standing there with the crowd in the background on the court, like three wins, three wins. Such an exciting time. Come on, Nick's. One more win to go. One more win. Woohoo! And if you are a soccer fan, it is the time to be a soccer fan. Happy World Cup Day. It's the first day. I know, folks, whether you're sitting at your desk with a little tablet or your phone, or whether you were just taking the day off or relaxing with the big screen in front of you, this was the day for soccer.

Coach Wayne 3:23

You know, I know we got a show to get going, but we real people. And I gotta say that I'm very disappointed Somalians have been turned back at the airport, including referees and officials, because of the current situation where they've been deemed as persona non gratis. And so these are official referees showing up to referee games in the United States and just sent back on another flight. And six of their other officials, from what I've gathered, who will be involved in the FIFA. You know, it's just sad, really sad that that we're we're playing politics. And so folks are not excited about that sort of reception. But hey, yeah, software is supposed to bring folks together. We'll see what happens.

Coach Stacy 4:13

Absolutely. The world together. This is the World Cup. This is the time that all of those differences are to be put aside and and celebrate the game, the team, teamwork, the camaraderie, you know, the healthy competition. I'm so sad to hear that, Coach Wayne.

Coach Wayne 4:35

Yeah. Well, tonight, though, Stacey, we are gonna have our own World Cup. World Cup. Yeah, our own NBA finals. We're we're gonna be doing it up on Midnight Midlife Revolution Unleashed. And I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach, working with midlife men so that their second half can be their best half. And I'm delighted, I am thrilled. I am just taken to be here sharing this platform with my co-host with the most, Miss Stacy M. Lewis. Stacy.

Midlife Discernment And The Weight Of Yes

Coach Stacy 5:13

Welcome to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. I am always excited to be here with Coach Wayne. I am Stacy M. Lewis. I am a nonprofit executive, a midlife woman's coach, and a lover of God and his people. And I am so excited to talk tonight about this deeply needed reminder about what deserves our yes, the art of midlife discernment. It is so critical. And last episode, Wayne, we talked about the the idea of finishing what you start, right? And that I think moving that to learning and reminding ourselves about what deserves our yes is great timing, especially as we head into into the summer and we're making decisions about vacation or what's next, what's the next season we're gonna step into? What deserves our yes?

Coach Wayne 6:16

Yeah, powerful stuff. Say yes. Opportunities exist when we say yes. But the truth of the matter is we don't need to say yes to everything. We had a previous episode sometime ago, another season where we talk about the power of no as well, right? And saying yes doesn't mean that you just without any sort of filters, say yes. So tonight, Stacy, we want to talk about discernment, which is important in what to say yes to. Not everything gets the yes and gets through the absolutely.

Coach Stacy 6:55

And at this stage of the game, right, in this saging season, the reality is that our time, our presence, our energy is so much more valuable. And so our yes has even more weight to it, and we really need to just reconnect on our discernment and our permission to make sure we're using the word wisely.

Coach Wayne 7:31

Yeah, Stacey. Hold on a second. I I see a sneeze coming, but uh I'm gonna fight it.

Coach Stacy 7:42

Are you supposed to look up at the light or something like that?

Coach Wayne 7:45

What's the i I'm twinkling my nose like Bewitch?

Coach Stacy 7:51

Well, if you if you need if you need a minute, I'll I'll do a little chatter and then you can jump on in after you either sneeze it out or I'm jumping back in right now.

Coach Wayne 8:02

Okay. Oftentimes you're told that completion brings about confidence. And so the drive is, especially in in a in a space where there are others to compete with, we are trying to push through to complete things just so that we can have that sense of sense sense of completion and self-confidence. But let's not mistake it. Sometimes we through discernment are better off holding back and saying the smaller word no to some things, because whatever you say no to, a yes is stopped. And and I would say, Stacy, that at midlife we must recognize that we can't take it all on, and we certainly can't take it with us to the next season. So what say you about the things that usually forces people to feel like they have to say yes, Stacy?

Why We Say Yes Too Fast

Coach Stacy 9:06

So often, I one of the things that causes us to say yes is lack of focus. Lack of focus on what we're actually being asked. So there we go. God bless you, Coach Wayne. Thank you. You know, lack of focus on what what what we're actually being asked to do. So we we say we say yes without really checking in with our calendar or checking in with what's on our plate and what's really being asked of us. I think sometimes we say yes because we feel pressure or obligation to say yes to something that may or may not be in alignment. So, you know, it could be fear or guilt kind of jumping out of the out of the woodwork and and making us feel obligated to say yes.

Coach Wayne 10:00

Yeah. Stace, I've uh had occasion where where saying yes was the right thing to do, uh, even with the fear of knowing how to move forward, I the opportunity existed and I wasn't really feeling ready. In fact, we were talking just now in the green room about an opportunity for me tomorrow where I got an assignment. And to be honest, I was a little bit nervous about the assignment because I'm like, well, am I the right fit? But I said yes, and in in chatting with the folks, they gave me a second assignment to follow up with the first one. So out of that will come, I think, not just growth, Stacey, relationship building, and definitely that piece of confidence that I was worried about. I've said a lot of no's along the way, Stace, and and missed missed the boat. You know, to your point, midlife is an opportunity from the show we talked about before, where where self-trust is important, saying yes at the right time helps to, I think, embolden us too.

Coach Stacy 11:14

Yeah, coach Wayne. So so let me let me dig a little bit. What was that experience? What made you say yes, right? You said that you were nervous or a little apprehensive, yes, and I'm sure that there was a whole kind of you know experience in probably like five or ten seconds. What what made you say yes?

Coach Wayne 11:42

I kind of said, what do I have to lose? The reality is it would be a growth opportunity. So I reframed it in seeing it as an opportunity to get feedback and to grow. The worst that could happen is I didn't get it right on the spot, but I would have learned from it. So the next opportunity, I would be bigger and better. Yeah.

Coach Stacy 12:10

Yeah, I think that's so good because in this season, right, we are often much more in tune with or attuned to that sentiment that you expressed about what do you have to lose? Right. You're you didn't jump into a yes that was then going to consume the next three months of your life, right? I imagine that you measured what the ask was and then decided, like, okay, I've I'm going to reframe any fear, right? And this is a lot of what we support our clients to do, right? Reframe any fear and and come up with a decision or a yes, or it could have been a no, but in this case, a yes, that then was ultimately to your benefit. Like you said, the worst case scenario, you've learned something. Yes. Best case scenario, you realize that you are you do indeed have what you need, and that fear is canceled out. Yes. Sorry, I went on a tangent there.

Coach Wayne 13:24

No, and and no, but check this, Stacy. Every yes, truly, or every open door is not an opportunity for us to say yes to, because when even when I looked at that situation where I got the assignment, I firstly canvassed in my head my colleagues to see if somebody was better qualified or prepared, suitable for it. And there are times that we go in through open doors in terms of discernment. And the truth of the matter is, you know, we talk about midlife. A lot of midlifers who are in leadership, they are having doors open that they haven't yet been totally prepared for. And a lot of the younger folks coming out of school, fresh with new ideas and innovative ways of doing things, are probably better prepared to take on those. And it's time for us sometimes to, with discernment, step back and know when to let an open door remain open for somebody else's opportunity.

Open Doors, Ego, And True Alignment

Coach Stacy 14:31

Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. It really is, you know, realizing that availability doesn't necessarily equate automatically to a yes. Just because I'm available to do something, it doesn't automatically equate to what's in alignment with what I'm supposed to do, right? And and just because we can do something doesn't necessarily mean you know we're we're called to do it. I recall someone saying something about it, it might be good timing, but is it God timing, right? Is is it really the right time? Is this where you want to invest your energy? And just because someone asked, does it mean you have to answer with a yes to your point? Like every open door is not your door, yeah.

Coach Wayne 15:33

And we have this thing called ego, which which a lot of times folks set us up and you know may not be deliberately setting you up for failure, but but inflating the ego. Yeah, man, go ahead. You know, I back in the day I've seen many of folks get shot down by in the dating scene by being big up by their friends. Go ahead, man. She she wants you. But again, what what I think we have at midlife, Stacy, is the opportunity of having walked the path and recognizing when certain things are dressed up and not necessarily as they appear. And listen, time is is energy and money, and there are times that we need to just conserve on both, or one or the other, and that's in not saying yes to.

Coach Stacy 16:30

Yes, yes, I agree with you fully. Some sometime, you know, the the request or the invitation is is actually an invitation to practice saying thank you, but not in this season, or thank you, but no, thank you. Um, it is important to recognize that every open door is not your door, that every opportunity is not necessarily in alignment with your calling, with your destiny, with where you're supposed to be going. And if we've learned nothing else by now, is that we get to decide. Yes, we've shown ourselves strong, right? And we know that a lot of people rely on us or depending upon us, but we get to ask ourselves, right, where in your life are you treating an open door like an automatic assignment?

Coach Wayne 17:32

Yeah. And Coach Stacy, I love that word alignment. When you use that word, it really resonates because if if if you're saying yes to something that has no alignment, is misaligned with your values, right? Your core values and your truths, even your beliefs, then I can see that you're creating an opportunity to be unhappy, uh, not fulfilled, just out of sorts. So on those occasions, it's important to make sure to your point that there is alignment before you say yes to that open door.

Coach Stacy 18:12

Yes, because it is that alignment, right, that's gonna allow you to determine or decipher or discern whether it's guilt talking or your calling talking, because they are they are not the same. And I don't know about you, Coach Wayne, but I can certainly immediately recall more than one occasion, I'll you know, I'm always transparent with our midlife revolution unleashed audience, on more than one occasion when guilt was driving the decision, guilt was driving the yes. And as I then, you know, in an effort to be a woman of my word, as I then engaged in whatever that yes might have been, the reality was I realized it's in conflict with my calling. It's not in alignment with what I'm trying to do, where I'm going, what you know, what I'm about. And here I am now because of guilt, not calling, saying yes, and doing something that is now just occupying my time, my energy, and dissuading or just deterring me, distracting me from my purpose.

Coach Wayne 19:33

Yeah. See, guilt, I think, gives us a sense of obligation. You know, we feel guilty that we didn't do something because somebody's expecting it off us. We feel guilty because we're measuring ourselves up against somebody else or some time frame that has nothing to do with us. Right. And that's guilt, yeah. And so that guilt takes us away sometimes from our true purpose and our, you know, we talked about the alignment, and so we're it's not our calling. We're not responding to the calling, we're responding to the to the guilt that we're carrying, and and that burdens us. And so we must be able to discern between the guilt and the calling.

Coach Stacy 20:17

Yeah, it's so interesting because one thing about guilt is that, you know, you know, in the in the church world and sometimes even in Christendom, right, that that guilt, we put, we put the we put the yes on it as almost like it's it's spiritual. You know what I mean? We make it, we make it sound spiritual. I'm you know, I'm taking on this responsibility, you know, in the name of the Lord. And and the reality is it's guilt that we're either telling ourselves is spiritual or we're causing to sound like it's spiritual, certain just be just so that we can impress to your point of ego. You know, guilt can really sound, you know, responsible. It can it can sound like family loyalty, but guilt is guilt. It is not the same as you're calling.

Coach Wayne 21:17

You know, funny thing about guilt is as Coach Stacy, people will often trap us with the guilt trip. You ever heard of the guilt trip? They trap us with the guilt trip. Well, you know, so we wind up shooting ourselves. I would have, could a should. We start backtracking and shuffling because we get caught up in that guilt trap. And to your point, you know, we have to know when to shake that off, whether it's coming from someone in a position of power, high spiritual value. Don't get guilted out. Just make sure you're discerning and answer to the right, yes.

Coach Stacy 21:56

Yeah, from a coaching perspective, Wayne, you know, I was thinking about. One of the things I I I know you talk about as well is helping helping clients connect with the old story, right? And I just reflected on having when we had Shandria on an episode talking about communication. And, you know, one of her questions as a therapist is always, who told you that? Often, you know, we're operating in this old story. And sometimes guilt can be an old story or an old agreement that you made with yourself being overextended. Yes. Right. So we're operating out of an old story, one that's no longer serving us, but that's what's guiding the yes. That's what's guiding or creating or supporting the guilt. And I think it's so important for our listener to really think about, you know, where where the guilt is coming from and what the guilt, how the guilt is showing up, what the guilt is is causing you to do. Is it causing you to operate in this place of overextension, of yes, yes, yes, even if you don't want to do these things or you don't have the time or the bandwidth, and it's not in alignment with who you are.

Four Types Of Yes

Coach Wayne 23:26

Absolutely. Stacey, let's break down for our folks the what we consider four categories of yeses, you know. And one, the first one is obligation, the obligatory yes. And that is, you know, because good, let's face it, they're not created equal, all yeses. The first one, the definition that we have for the obligation version of guilt, of yes, is something that you feel pressured to do because of expectations, guilt, fear, tradition, or or a habit. Right? And that's one version of yeses.

Coach Stacy 24:07

Yeah, obligation often sounds like I have to, or they expect me to. Or here's the good one. If I don't, nobody else will. That goes back to that, like, you know, no, if you want something done right, you got to do it yourself. Well, you'll end up doing a lot yourself because sometime somebody else could do it. But that obligation shows up in many different ways. You know, I don't want to disappoint them. What if they what will they think of me if I say no?

Coach Wayne 24:47

And to your point about stories, often they these are just inherited, they're patterns, and we don't have to to bow to them. And the second version or category is opportunity, you know, something that's available to you, but availability alone does not qualify for saying yes to it, does not determine alignment.

Coach Stacy 25:15

No, you're you're that's the truth, right there, right? Does this opportunity align with my values? Ask yourself these questions, right? Does it support my current season? Does it move me toward my purpose or my goal? Or does it cost me more than I'm willing or able to pay right now?

Coach Wayne 25:39

Yeah. Is it just dressed up, looking attractive, or is it truly an alignment? And number three, Stacy is what we call assignment. Now this is a good one. Assignment is about something that you sense is yours to do in the season, this season, even if it stretches you a little bit of discomfort, but that's the assignment. Right, right, right.

Coach Stacy 26:03

These four categories of really looking at what deserves your yes, right? How to identify them in there and then the assignment, to your point, is it asking you to grow? Is it asking you to begin again? Is it serving someone? And I think a good question is what keeps coming back to your spirit, not as pressure, but as purpose? That is that question is something that I have been asking myself all week around, you know, some some things in my business. And I think that it's such a profound question, and and it gives us the opportunity to really pay attention to what's happening on the inside. What keeps coming back to your spirit, not as pressure, but as purpose?

Coach Wayne 26:58

And part of the answer to that is number four, and you meditate, get intentional, pray about it, ask for alignment. And what is alignment? That's something that fits your values, your capacity, the season, the purpose, and the becoming. So there you have that.

Coach Stacy 27:17

Yeah, yeah. You know how I feel about the becoming. Couple of questions around your alignment. Is does it support my peace? Yeah, that's a good, that's a good one. You know, does it strengthen my purpose? Does it help me become more whole, more truthful, more courageous, or more alive? Does this yes support the life I say and feel I want to live?

Coach Wayne 27:44

Since we got some time left, and what I'd love for

The SACRED Discernment Framework

Coach Wayne 27:47

us to do is throw in for folks the framework, the sacred framework that's sacred as in S-A-C-R-E-D. Sacred framework for checking out your discernment. And we want to start off with the Stacey, you want to start off, Stace?

Coach Stacy 28:06

I'm happy to start off. The the S in Sacred is for season. Does this fit my current season? Some things are good for right now, but maybe not for right now. So we have to decide. Does this fit my current season? Not yesterday's season or tomorrow's season, but my current season.

Coach Wayne 28:31

And sometimes A is for Apple, but here A is for alignment. Does this align with my values, purpose, and priorities? If something constantly pulls you away from what you say matters most, it may not need to be even negotiated. Alignment is not about perfection, y'all, but it's about honesty.

Coach Stacy 28:54

Absolutely. RC is for capacity. Do I have the emotional, the physical, the financial, the relational, and or the spiritual capacity for this? We're talking about those opportunities to craft really what deserves your yes. Do you have the capacity to do it?

Coach Wayne 29:22

And R stands for reason. Hey, why am I actually saying yes? This is where you tell the truth to yourself. Yes. Am I saying yes from love or from a place of fear? From a place of purpose or the pressure put on me, from wisdom or guilt? What am I saying yes to? Because the reason underneath your decision for yes truly matters.

Coach Stacy 29:52

It does matter. The E is for energy. What happens to my energy when I imagine saying yes? Not when I say it, but when I imagine, when I think about saying yes to this, what happens to my energy? Am I fueled? Am I excited? Am I seeing possibility? Or does it create dread or resentment or tightness or heaviness? Our midlife wisdom says listen to the body, the spirit, and the facts.

Coach Wayne 30:35

And there's the big D winding it all up, folks. The D represents direction. Does this move me towards the life I'm building or back into the life that I'm outgrowing at midlife? Are you moving forward or are you stuck in the old days? Say some yeses are bridges, some yeses are detours, and some yeses are old cycles wearing just new clothing. Ask, is this moving me forward or is this pulling me back into a version of myself I am trying to heal, retire from, or just let go, release? And so that's our acronym, the sacred acronym to help you with discerning when to say yes.

Coach Stacy 31:25

Yes, indeed. And when you've decided, it is possible that the answer is no. It's also possible that the answer is not now. Or maybe the answer is it needs prayer. So give yourself the time and the space and the breath to determine, to discern, right? If you come to the place after you've gone through the sacred framework of discerning, like, okay, is this a yes or is it a not a yes? You get to decide, like, okay, so is it a no? Is it a not now, or is it a needs prayer? Because saying no clearly can protect relationships from silent frustration, and it can protect you from exhaustion and annoyance and really just expending yourself in ways that just don't feel good.

Coach Wayne 32:28

And there's a big quote coaching question that goes along with all of that, Stacey. And this is where do you need clarity in terms of answering a yes and no, a not now, or give me some time to reflect? Those are important questions to ask yourself.

Coach Stacy 32:47

Give me some time to reflect. I think I like that, Coach Wayne. Give me some, give me, give me a little time to have to use that. Give me a little time to reflect, right? Because that's it, that's important to to connect with yourself as you are moving into your your no, not now, or needs prayer.

Coaching Help, Subscribe, And Closing

Coach Wayne 33:10

Stacey, you know what we missed out on doing? We missed out on telling our friends, listeners, and supporters that if you've been checking us out or are now, and you haven't yet hit that subscription button, now is the time. Say yes to hitting that subscription button because that way the algorithm favors us and sends us out to more people to check us out.

Coach Stacy 33:32

I love it, Coach Wayne. We're we're here to serve, so we don't want to keep all this goodness to ourselves. You know, this whole conversation, we we admit and acknowledge that's that sometimes you get stuck, right? And that this is such a great opportunity to connect with a coach. It's where coaching can be helpful. Sometimes we can't hear our own yes or really discern without guilt getting in the way, or one of those other blocks that Coach Wayne and I talked about. So know that it's it's a great opportunity to slow down. A coach will help you tell yourself the truth and examine some of those patterns to help you make decisions that are more aligned with your values, your capacity, and your next chapter.

Coach Wayne 34:29

Okay, Stacey, uh, I want to uh acknowledge Brother Kenneth Dunner Jr., who on LinkedIn? Yeah, yeah. Thanks for joining in, Kenneth. Appreciate you, sir. Stacy, how do folks get a chance to get some yes work with you as your coach from you?

Coach Stacy 34:51

Yeah, Coach Wayne, I think it's such a great question. You know, if you're catching this stream on any social channel, then you are connected to Wayne and I already. As importantly, if you are listening live to the podcast or catching a replay, our contact information is in the show notes, but I can be reached at thestacymlewis.com. And what I think is important is that there is an opportunity to just have a conversation where I partner with you to hear your heart and to help you soar. Just a conversation. So, Coach Wayne, what say you?

Coach Wayne 35:34

Well, catch me on the way to San Antonio, where the Knicks is gonna go for. Hey, Stacy, even if I'm just thinking about it, I'm saying yes.

Coach Stacy 35:45

You know, you do not want people catching you on the way to San Antonio. If you go to San Antonio, you want to watch the game.

Coach Wayne 35:53

So hey, listen, check me out on my site, viptransformative living.com, and check one of those handles out there to find me and just shoot me an I am, you know, and I get back to you. We'll make it happen. So, Stace, we're gonna be out of here.

Coach Stacy 36:14

Yes, we just want to remind our listeners that every yes has a cost and you are valuable. So make sure it's a cost you want to pay before you say yes. Wayne, I'm cheering you on. And Stacy, see you at the top. Thanks for tuning in to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. We're grateful you're part of this journey.

Coach Wayne 36:40

If you love this episode, share it, subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you don't miss another episode.

Coach Stacy 36:47

I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 36:50

And I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.