Helping Your Grown Kids Should Not Cost You Your Future

You can love your adult children and still be done playing the role of emergency fund. We get honest about the moment many parents hit in midlife: the kids are grown, you already sacrificed for years, and yet the calls keep coming. A rent shortfall. A credit card mess. A “quick” loan that becomes a quiet monthly drain. We name the real tension behind it all: at what point does helping start hurting?

Stacy and Wayne dig into the cultural and family-system expectations that shape money and adulthood, including the unique pressure many single parents carry. Then we talk about the emotional drivers that make smart people overgive: guilt, fear of your child failing, and the worry that saying no means you are a bad parent. One key idea changes everything: when giving is fueled by fear or guilt, it stops being generosity and turns into obligation. That is where enabling and learned helplessness can sneak in, even with the best intentions.

We also share practical ways to set financial boundaries with adult children without torching the relationship. We use coaching questions to create clarity, offer a simple script that starts with love, and outline real steps you can take today: audit what you are supporting, define one firm boundary, create a transition plan, and check your “why” so your future goals and retirement savings stay protected.

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Transcript

When Helping Starts Hurting

Coach Wayne 0:06

You love your children, you have sacrificed for them, you've shown up when it mattered most, but now they're grown, and somehow you're still the emergency fund. The backup plan and the question becomes at what point does helping start hurting? Let's talk about it. You found the midlife revolution unleashed the space to embrace your wisdom, reignite your passions, and move boldly into what's next. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach.

Coach Stacy 0:48

And I'm Coach Stacy M. Lewis. We're here with insights, stories, and strategies to fuel your midlife journey. So take a breath, lean in. Your revolution starts now.

Coach Wayne 1:06

Stacy. Hey Coach Wayne. Good day to you. It's a wonderful day. I don't know why we both decided to wear gray today, but nothing gray about the day. This is another episode of the Revolution. Midlife Revolution Unleashed. Stacy, how are you?

Coach Stacy 1:26

Coach Wayne, I'm doing fantastic. And I'd just like to welcome our listeners to the Midlife Revolution Unleashed as well. I am Coach Stacy. I'm a midlife women's coach. I am a nonprofit executive, and I'm a lover of God and his people. And it is always my favorite Thursday when I am live with my co-host, Coach Wayne.

Coach Wayne 1:50

Thank you, Stacy. Boomeranging it all back to you. Great sentiment. Thank you. Stacy, I am Coach Wayne, the midlife revolution. I'm sorry, co-host, but I'm also the man who works with men of color through midlife so that their second half can be their best half. Today we have a show, Stacy, that so many of us can identify with as parents of kids that have grown up and are still growing up in more ways than one. And we are dealing with the balance between loving them and as we say in Jamaica, spoiling them, you know, taking care of them, especially their finances. We feel we gotta go in there and stop the gap. What do you got to say, Stacey? You know what I'm talking about?

Culture And Expectations Around Support

Coach Stacy 2:41

I do know what you're talking about, and I think it's even more relevant once our beautiful offspring finish college and are hopefully living on their own, maybe living at home again. But it is recognizing that we've done the work, we've raised them, and are we rescuing them now when it comes to the finances? I think it's such an important conversation, especially for those of us in this beautiful season of life where we really have to be paying attention to how much of our money we're investing in ourselves and how much of our money we're investing in other people. Maybe other people that should have their own money to invest.

Coach Wayne 3:29

Yeah, yeah. You know, there's a cultural thing, and maybe folks hopefully, hopefully, folks don't feel offended by this, not really casting stones. I'm just saying that culturally, certain groups of folks have different expectations based on their culture, as to how that leaning on your parents goes when you're an adult, so to speak. And let me just say, I know a lot of Asian families that I work with, and it is very common for them to have their children as young adults stay in the home before moving out and renting out, and they will support them until they've gotten on their feet and move out. And my wife and I were talking about one of her clients from another persuasion, altogether, another culture, and every one of that family's children at 18 had to leave ready or not.

Coach Stacy 4:29

Ooh, wow, what what a pendulum swing, right? To fully supporting even as adults, to whoo love you, you got to go at 18. Wow, that is such a pendulum swing. I think when you talk about culture, you know, one of the things that comes to mind as someone that has always been a single parent is also the culture of single parenthood. I'm sure we'll talk later in the episode just about, you know, the guilt that some of us feel or the desire to have our offspring have an experience of two parents when they have one that's really financially active. And so I think that that single parenthood is another culture, we'll say, where they could be anywhere on that pendulum that you just talked about of supporting versus almost hindering them.

Coach Wayne 5:48

And we have to be able to figure out if in supporting are we also sacrificing? Because at the end of the day, you know, I've raised my kids, they're adults, they're on the they they got their wings and they're flying, they've flown the coop. I'm not saying I don't want to help when I can help if there's a need, but I gotta live as well, right? As an adult, my wife and I, we we want to do things, we want to enjoy quality. And so savings that we have towards certain things that we would like to do. I don't know that first call for help always requires us giving up our own to do that.

Coach Stacy 6:36

That's tough. That's a tough call. I agree with you. It is a it is a tough call because you want to be supportive and you have to be mindful, right? We have to establish our own boundaries about the level of sacrifice that we are willing to make, that we are able to make. Sometimes we don't want to look at our truth, our own truth financially, and we're like, oh, I let me take, let me change the way I'm speaking about it because I've been here. So it is not you, the listener, it is me saying that there have been times that I have heard the needs of my grown offspring and have considered sacrificing in order to meet those needs and sometimes sacrificing more than I actually have to sacrifice. And so I think it's so important for us to have this conversation in a way or from a perspective that is not judging or judgmental, but one that is supportive and really encouraging our listener to take a look at that and say, you know, am I sacrificing my future for their present when I've already done the work I was supposed to do to support them getting to their present in a way where they wouldn't require my sacrifice?

Guilt Fear And Learned Helplessness

Coach Wayne 8:11

Yeah. Not to beat us in the ground, Stace, but I wanted to give another example, if I may. Sure. So there's a client that I'm dealing with who is a grandparent, and her daughter, who is an adult, has several children, and she they bought a house. Great job. But back to back. Last year they had birthday parties for their kids, the parents, my clients, grandkids, but they just didn't have regular backyard birthday pay events. They had huge events where they traveled one to Disney and brought a host of kids and supplied food and stuff. And and that meant going early the day before and all that. Point I'm making is they ran aground with the kinds of monies they spent. And on one of the occasions, they got short with their mortgage. So, who do you think was asked to come up with the money? And you know, I I I I nobody wants to see a house being snatched from a family, but in reality, we have to be able to, if we're gonna give, we have to give with the warning of this is not gonna happen. And and sometimes a lecture has to happen, but that's what I'm talking about in terms of love versus the sacrifice. We have to make sure that there's a line drawn and we're clear.

Coach Stacy 9:43

I I couldn't agree with you more. And the the word in Galatians talks about for each one should carry their own load. And, you know, that's making the distinction between helping someone and the reality that each one must carry their own load, right? Being carrying what you were designed to carry and let letting them carry what they were designed to carry. So I think it's it's so so important. Let's talk a little bit about this emotional trap, right? That we as parents might get sucked into, whether it be guilt or fear or perceived expectation.

Coach Wayne 10:32

Yeah. Well, you know, I again, as a parent of four biological kids, and then getting married and having a blended family with three additional kids, and then there's some grandkids. And by the way, all of these kids that we just talked about, seven, they're not truly kids, they're our children, and they're all adults, youngest being 24. And I gotta tell you that I'll be honest, Audrey more than I, she got that soft for heart. There's a lot of rescuing in terms of well, my daughter needs a computer, or our daughter needs a computer. Let's get it so she the bottom line is though, the feeling of guilt that we owe it to our children, even as adults, to make sure that they got everything in place when I think it's really oftentimes we're we're pushing learned helplessness. Because, you know, if you want a computer, you save for that computer and you do what you gotta do in terms of sacrificing to go get it. So there's that fear, that guilt.

Coach Stacy 11:43

Yeah, yeah. That learned helplessness was really good. So often we we judge ourselves based on performance, right? And we talked about this in in other episodes. And, you know, if I'm not able to help my adult child, if I am not providing the roof, if I am not providing the computer, am I a bad parent? Or, you know, am I doing the best I can? Is there some way, right? We're asking ourselves as parents, is there is there a way that I can do it? And not asking, is there a way that I can support them in their ability to do it? So to your point, in the example of saving for the computer, right? How much more of a valuable lesson is it to encourage saving, even if it's depending upon the age and the situation, maybe like matching funds, right? You save half, I'll, I'll, I'll do the other half, right? Meeting some way that is encouraging them to grow toward their goals without enabling them to become more and more dependent on you as the bank, as I think you referenced in the opening.

Coach Wayne 13:18

Yeah. I think you know, a lot of it is really us feeling responsible. We also want to make sure that we are there to protect and catch the kid or the young adult if they fall or slide. Fear of failure, fear of them failing. But I wonder if sometimes that fear of failure is really a projection from us looking like we, to your point, are failing as a parent. You know, our child fails, then means that maybe we didn't do a good enough parenting job. Right. Right. Yeah.

Coach Stacy 13:56

Right, right. Maybe I didn't tell them enough how to save. Or, you know, if if I let them, I don't know, go go into debt, right? But after they've charged this credit card up the yin yang, and now I'm helping them. Am I really helping them? Or if I let them go into collections, am I a bad person, right? But the reality is that if our if our giving, right, is driven by any kind of fear or guilt or pressure, it's not generosity, it's obligation.

Coach Wayne 14:38

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm laughing because even though I'm you know saying Audrey is her heart is mushy as she's soft, she's a quick runover relative to me. That's not always true, but but she does have a strategy. She says, as I like, I'll say, Hey, how is one of the kids doing? I'll ask, you know. And she'll say, I don't know. So I mean, well, you know, you just spoke to him, didn't you ask? She says, No, don't ask, don't know, don't get involved.

Coach Stacy 15:10

Don't ask, don't tell.

Coach Wayne 15:12

Yeah. You know, if you start saying, Hey, are you managing your finances? You know, how you're doing with this, then there is an opening and an opportunity to throw it in. Oh, by the way, could I borrow 2,000 bucks?

Coach Stacy 15:25

Woo, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, the answer is no. But yes, that is that's such a reality, right? You gotta be careful about what you ask because you're you're not asking to invite responsibility, to take on responsibility. You're asking to be supportive and encouraging and maybe serve as a consultant, not as someone, not as the banker. I like that.

Coach Wayne 15:58

So let's talk a little bit about family systems, you know, because uh oftentimes family systems bring about some of the patterns that we see in the behavior around finances and roles of parents. You know, there are several ways we can look at our roles. Are we playing the parenting role where we have the guardrails, the values, the ethics? Are we playing the provider role? Are we are we getting even deeper and playing the enabler role?

Coach Stacy 16:32

It's part of the uh Yeah, yeah. The you know, we we hear a lot about codependency in in the substance abuse abuse world, but the reality is is that even parent-child codependency can exist and and so much around our finances because we want, you know, we've invested as parents, we have invested in our offspring, right? We've sent them to school, we have sent them to college, if that was their dream and our dream too. We have encouraged them forward, and we've invested, you know, when I think about the amount of money I invested in my son's early school years, that's a whole nother episode. I was investing in him then, but also in his future. And so oftentimes I feel like I'm invested. Like I I did that, and making sure that you know, I'm not feeling a sense of obligation or almost dependency on the way he feels about me because I support him financially, or the way he feels about me because I don't support him financially. And what level of gratification do I get out of supporting him financially? So I think we really have to look at ourselves, you're right, and the role that we're playing, not only as parent, as provider, as enabler, but also as potential codependent. Like, are we in this codependent relationship where, you know, I'm relying on you, relying on me?

Coach Wayne 18:39

Yeah. Just today, Stacy, I was listening to a story of a fairly well-off gentleman talking about his system, his family system around money. And so he has three kids, like a 12-year-old, 21, and maybe an 18. And so young adults, adult, and a teenager, preteen. And he's gotten a fair amount of money, some of which has been given to them already to work with, and the rest of it in trust, right? And so when he has his meetings, which he does, he says on a monthly basis, everybody comes to the table and talk about what they have done in terms of how they've used their funds, in terms of uh even at 12, because he has taught them how to invest. And investment could mean buying a bike and selling it back, right? Uh, not necessarily always stocks and bonds, but but he talks them about it. And he says in his conversation, there's an expectation that he'll probably go more in get more involved with the older kids because they have more experience and years of money management and knowledge. So everybody's not going to get the same amount, is what he's saying. He's everybody's not gonna be given $2,000 because it means something else for the 18-year-old than it means for a 12-year-old. So there's an expectation that he keeps real. And I would say that's such a beautiful way to do it. And I would challenge folks who have that scenario at home to start looking at, you know, how you parcel out what you are gonna give to your children based on their level of maturity, financial maturity.

Coach Stacy 20:29

Yeah, yeah, that's that's really good. And it is definitely a demonstration of training up your child in the way they should go, right? And it doesn't mean they're always going to go straight there. You know, every each one of us have had some detours, right? Whether we, whatever, however we've been trained up, ultimately we've had some detours. And so I love that demonstration because it it shows how he is training up his children in the way they should go and that level of that as you mature, right, that your ability hopefully becomes your ability to manage more money becomes better. And you're then able to demonstrate that improved ability, which then opens the door for more. And what a great example to to think about and for our listener to think about as we're looking at how maybe we did or did not train our now adult children around money, there's still opportunity. It's not too late. And so, even as you come up against these opportunities. Opportunities to support, right? What opportunities are there to educate, are there to train, to grow at no matter what age we are?

Coach Wayne 22:11

And as coaches, we're gonna throw out a coaching question. And it is what boundary in your life right now needs clarity, not explanation.

Coach Stacy 22:23

Ooh, that's good. Right. We don't have we don't we don't have to explain it. It just needs clarity.

Coach Wayne 22:31

Yeah, yeah. What am I responsible for?

Coach Stacy 22:36

Yeah.

Coach Wayne 22:37

Not right.

Coach Stacy 22:39

What are they responsible for? Yeah. Right? Drawing those clear, clear boundaries, clear boundaries.

Coach Wayne 22:48

Yeah, and what is no longer sustainable, right?

Coach Stacy 22:52

I love it. I love it. It's a it's a great framework to begin to move towards clarity, right? What am I responsible for? What are they responsible for? And what is no longer sustainable? Those three questions can help move you toward clarity. Clear boundary, not explanation.

Coach Wayne 23:18

Yeah. And so we want to help you too with the conversation because oftentimes it's the conversation that's tough why we just give in or why we just totally shut down. And oftentimes it causes further problems in the relationship. And after all, we're still talking about family here. So we don't want to just, you know, go cold. Right. How do we how do we have the conversation, these tough conversations, Stacy, with people we love?

Coach Stacy 23:47

You know, I think the way you just wrap that question is the thing we start the conversation with, and that is love. You know, we are talking to our adult offspring in love, our adult grandchildren in love. And one way to start the conversation is I love you, and I'm committed to your growth.

Coach Wayne 24:20

And I think that's that's powerful because I think when we affirm that, uh everything after that comes from a position of love. So, you know, it is what it is, but we've declared that. So there's no animal, hopefully. And having cleared the air and started with that, Stacy, which is really powerful. We can just say honestly, what's hardest for you right now? You know, we can't do everything, but perhaps where might we enter and help you.

Coach Stacy 24:57

Right. And I I love that question. What's hardest for you right now? Because I think often we can become hijacked by a situation, right? And whether the situation is I need a new computer or in debt over my head, or I want to go to the movies, right? We can be hijacked by our wants and what what's happening. And taking a moment to sit and think about what is hardest for you right now is so important. And then to follow that answer, right? Probably with a you might have to peel back the onion a little bit, right? Okay, so what's what is hard about, you know, the the pay making the credit card payment? What is hard about that? It might then, as you continue to ask that, what's hardest for you right now, as you peel back that onion, you know, you might make a discovery that says, okay, you you've been spending more than you've been earning. Right? And sometimes it's the simple things we don't look at. And as a parent, a grandparent, our role, I believe, is to practice boundaries, right? With the here's what I can support, or here's what I can do, here's what I cannot do. I think being clear about what you can, what you will, and what you will not do is so important. Set in love is so important.

Coach Wayne 26:43

Yeah, boundaries set in love. That's beautiful. And what we're teaching really, we talk about boundaries, is resilience versus rescuing, right? Right, right, and and and codependence, right?

Coach Stacy 26:59

And with those questions that we just shared, you'll get to play an active role in helping them come up with a plan. Right, based on what's where they're struggling, based on your love and being committed to their growth, and based on your desire to support what you're gonna do, what you're not gonna do, you get to really help them develop a plan. And I mean, golly, what I don't know about you, Wayne. I've definitely had my days of of debt and young spending and all of that. And I think it would have been very comforting and encouraging if one of my parents then, you know, said, let's, let's, let me help you come up with a plan.

Coach Wayne 27:57

Yeah, yeah. And then and to recognize that boundaries are not punishment, right? Boundaries are really preparation. It's it's helping to reinforce or enforce some sort of self-discipline.

Coach Stacy 28:13

You are absolutely right. You know, it's it's not that we are rejecting, it is that we are really demonstrating that boundaries are needed in every aspect of life, even in relationships with your offspring.

Coach Wayne 28:33

Yeah. So, Stacy, let's leave our listener with some action steps that they can take, pragmatic ones they can take to the bank. Umber one is audit your support. Yes. You know, think about what you're doing. Where are you overgiving financially, or where can you make a drop? Audit your support, audit your support.

Coach Stacy 29:06

I would add, you know, define at least one boundary. Like what it is you are not willing to do, how far you are willing to go, and how far you're not willing to go. Be clear about what will stop, what will shift, what will change. That one boundary.

Coach Wayne 29:31

And Stacey, create a transition plan. So I got you this week, and I may have you next, but you're gonna meet me halfway or take over in a certain time frame. So it's not like up in the air, there's a transition plan, so you know what's happening.

Coach Stacy 29:52

I love it, and I would add going back to love, you know, check in on your own why. As you are considering looking at your finances and sharing them with your adult children, offspring, grandchildren, are you giving from a place of love or from a place of fear or expectation or guilt? Be clear on your why.

Coach Wayne 30:27

Sorry. And Stacy, it's so important that you have the conversation. It starts with the conversation. If you're not having the conversation, you're missing an opportunity. So those are the things that we are saying you can put into action right away to make a difference in terms of your role as a parent, coming from a position of love and not necessarily feeling like the rescuer and the careetaker of your adult children.

Coach Stacy 30:56

That love is everything. We want to remind you helping is not the same as overextending. Guilt should not be your financial advisor. Boundaries build stronger adults, and love sometimes sounds like nope. Yeah, I can't help you today. Yeah.

Coach Wayne 31:17

What's that mean? Well, Stace, as parents, you know that our role is not to carry them forever. The job is to bring them to a place where we can let them fly, right? And and have their own sense of purpose, power, and peace. So that's what we do as parents, right? We get them ready so they can go out on their own and be independent. And hey, that's to me success.

Coach Stacy 31:44

I love it. I'll say that you can find our contact information in the show notes. Wayne is certainly available and would love to connect with you. Yeah. As am I, always available to connect with you. I want to say, Wayne, your closing notes about power, purpose, and peace makes me want to say I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 32:18

And before I see you at the top, just don't forget to go in there and subscribe and support us on the various handles that you're checking us out. So we'll see you again until next time. Ciao for now.

Coach Stacy 32:35

Bye. Thanks for tuning in to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. We're grateful you're part of this journey.

Coach Wayne 32:43

If you love this episode, share it, subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you don't miss another episode.

Coach Stacy 32:50

I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 32:52

And I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.