Midlife Communication, Love Under Pressure

Love feels different when midlife hits. Careers pile up, caregiving stretches thin, and bodies change in ways no one warned us about—yet we’re still expected to connect with patience and grace. We sat down with licensed professional counselor and national speaker Shundria Riddick to unpack how communication really works under pressure and what couples can do to move from reactivity to repair.

We explore the wiring beneath our words: the childhood scripts that taught us to fight, flee, or go quiet; the gender expectations that tell men to produce but not process and women to be strong but not supported; and the midlife biology—perimenopause, ED, chronic conditions—that amplifies irritability, fog, and distance. Shundria breaks emotional intelligence into two vital skills: finding language for your own state and sensing your partner’s experience on the other side of you. When you can name disappointment instead of throwing a dish, you invite understanding instead of escalation.

From there, we get practical. Learn a simple mindfulness check-in to calm your nervous system, the active listening move that turns debate into discovery, and how to rethink self-care as relationship fuel rather than selfish escape. We talk identity shifts—why your 20-year-old script won’t carry you at 40—and how to renew thinking so feelings can follow. We name the red flags that suggest it’s time for counseling and why going alone can still change the dance at home. Grounded in faith, empathy, and clear language, this conversation offers tools you can use tonight to rebuild safety, rekindle intimacy, and trade transactional scorekeeping for genuine connection.

If this resonated, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs hope in midlife, and leave a rating and review so more listeners can find these tools. Your story can change, starting now.

Follow Shundria on most social platforms @ShundriaRiddick, author of Married for 5 Minutes: Hope for Living Inside Real-Life Marriages

Subscribe @CoachStacyMLewis and @CoachWayneVIP

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Transcript

Welcome to Midlife Revolution Unleashed

Coach Stacy 0:03

Let's be honest. Most of us were taught algebra, little world history, and how to parallel park. But no one ever sat us down and taught us how to communicate when we're exhausted, overstimulated, under pressure, and still expected to love well.

Coach Wayne 0:24

Especially not in midlife, when you're juggling careers, caregiving, identity, shifts around health and changes and decades of shared history. The stakes are higher. The patience is lower, and the courts is a oh man, it's active.

Coach Stacy 0:48

Today's guest understands what happens in those moments, not just spiritually, but clinically. Shundria Riddick is a licensed professional counselor, a national speaker, author, and someone who walks alongside people through their most difficult seasons with both professional expertise and a message of grace and hope.

Coach Wayne 1:12

We're talking about what we never learned: how to communicate on the stress, how to name needs. We don't even have language for, and how emotional intelligence must evolve if long-term love is going to thrive. You found a midlife revolution unleashed. That's a space to embrace your wisdom, reignite your passions, and move boldly into what's next. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach.

Coach Stacy 1:48

And I'm Coach Stacy M. Lewis. We're here with insights, stories, and strategies to fuel your midlife journey. So take a breath, lean in. Your revolution starts now. Hey, Stace. What up? Coach Wayne, what's going on, my friend? What's going on? Look at this beautiful guest that we have today.

Meet Counselor Shundria Riddick

Shundria 2:18

Thank y'all for having me. This is so great. I'm so honored to be here. So we're right on tonight's count conversation.

Coach Stacy 2:26

So we are excited to have you. Yes.

Coach Wayne 2:29

You know, today we are we're going to be unpacking the real mechanics of communication in midlife relationships, not surface level stuff, but the skills, regulation, and material to required to love well. And when life is full and pressure is high, you know, we want to catch the communication strategies. So Chandra from a clinical, well, first of all, welcome to Midlife Revolution Unleashed.

Shundria 3:06

Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. It's an honor to be here, y'all. I really am very grateful that I'm here with y'all to have this wonderful conversation and it is needed. And um, I'm ready because it's a long.

Childhood Wiring And Adult Conflict

Coach Wayne 3:21

Yeah. So we're ready to jump right in. Are you ready? Well, let's get the let's let the folks know. So tonight we want to talk about, and wherever you're listening to it, whether you're catching the replay or what or not, uh, we want to welcome you all to Midnight Revolution Unleash. And our guest tonight is an expert in communications. And uh, and so we're gonna kick off. Chandra, what happens in terms of our mechanics and and body when communication breaks down?

Shundria 3:58

Man, that's that's a great question because I think what we dismiss a lot of the times is one we have not learned how to communicate effectively, especially in relationships. No one ever sits us down and says, this is what you're supposed to say, and this is how you're supposed to feel. We learn most of that as we are growing up. So we are wired in a way because of the communication in our homes, um, what was expected of us or not. And a lot of us are Gen X, you know, late, you know, boomers and Gen X and probably some older millennials. Um, we grow up in homes where we're wired before we're rational. Like we don't re we just we've learned communication a certain way. And because our body responds in a certain way, we assume that that's what's supposed to happen, right? So if I feel fear, I'm supposed to retaliate. Or some of us, if we feel fear, we're supposed to dismiss um that feeling and power. So a lot of us aren't aware that we are still living by those same communication skills. If we've never done anything differently, if we've never learned anything or attempted to um address those uncomfortable feelings we have inside of us, um, we're still using those same behaviors. They they've never changed since like five or six, they never change.

Coach Stacy 5:14

Well, and how do they show up now that we're no longer five or six? Um, you know, how do they show up in our current relationships and in particular our love relationships?

Shundria 5:26

Well, a lot of times it's normally through conflict. Something happens and they have a conflict, and then over a long period of time, period of time, the relationship starts to kind of drift, people start to drift apart. Some people cower, some people hold on to their anger, some people have this form of resentment throughout and decide I'm not going to really say anything, I'm just gonna shut down because what I say doesn't matter anyway. Um, so eventually communication breaks down and then the relationship starts to, you know, to become real distant over the course of time.

Midlife Biology Meets Relationship Stress

Coach Wayne 5:59

Yeah. Biologically, are we seeing any shift in terms of chemicals or you know, hormones? Uh what's what's happening in that area?

Shundria 6:10

Yeah, especially with women, the perimenopause and menopause, a whole lot of physical changes are happening. And a lot of us were not taught that those things were happening. So you may see a lot of irritability, anger, frustration, depression, crying, um, panic attacks, um, just a lot this whole form of like slow um anger, I mean, not slow anger, but um hard to move around, hard to think, foggy thinking, things like that. Our body change as far as even having sex. It's painful or there's a lack of desire. So if we're not knowing all those things that are happening, they really are impacting our um our relationship. And men, as they get older, no, most men have ED, erectile dysfunction, or other issues, heart problems, diabetes, high blood pressure, all of that affects um how we feel inside and how we attach and communicate to our partners. And if we're not aware of all those things, then you know it can cause so many problems, so much distance in relationships.

Coach Stacy 7:13

Yeah, it's it's so interesting in listening to you, just thinking about how it all results in breakdown, right? It's is breakdown in it sounds like breakdown in how you feel about yourself, and breakdown in how that gets communicated or how you then communicate with your partner.

Transactional Love And Drift

Shundria 7:36

Yeah, so and there's this theory that um it's called social exchange theory. And in a social exchange theory, um there's an exchange. I'm doing things because I benefit. There's a benefit from the things that I'm doing, right? So as long as I'm getting a benefit, I'll get it. It's called cost analysis, right? If I get, I you know, if there's a cost, that's fine. But as long as I'm getting something in return, right? And so most of us, unfortunately, um, that's all we do. As long as I'm having something in return, I'm good, right? So once this place in our lives in this midlife, that may not always be an even exchange. And so when that's not an even exchange, it leaves some people feeling alone and isolated and not thought of or dismissed or not cared for, not loved, not, you know, there's no attention to me, you don't care about me. So it just breaks down the communication, breaks down that relationship, and eventually, you know, we don't we don't know how we got here. We were married for what however many years, and now we really don't even enjoy each other's presence or each other's company because we're not aware of what's happening around us.

Coach Wayne 8:42

So you're saying that we bring a transactional end to our relationships. It's it's what do you do for me lately kind of thing, you know? Um and and if we feel like there is a tipping in the scale, like we have done, and there's a expectation that you should have done more, equated, uh, what I'm given. If that's not happening, we tend to have a gap. Sometimes that results in our shutdown or or the quiet.

Shundria 9:11

Yeah.

Coach Wayne 9:12

Yeah.

Shundria 9:13

I often like when couples are continuing to argue. Sometimes that means I still care, I want to work things out. Once they become quiet, is that withdrawal of affection, that withdrawal of emotion, and they start to exit the relationship. So yeah, there's a breakdown, and some people feel like they're giving more than they're getting. Um, so it's just hard to um kind of explain that to people who have never really been taught that sometimes, you know, there's a sacrifice. Sometimes you are you do give more than what you get. Um, but that's a hard lesson when you're talking to the person who feels like they haven't given, you know, have gotten anything from their relationships.

Coach Stacy 10:00

Do you think that we recognize that we haven't been taught? Or are we just so programmed, so to speak, right? So entrenched in a way of behavior and a way of thinking that it feels normal, like it's this is what it's supposed to be.

Attachment, Gender Scripts, And EQ

Shundria 10:23

No, I don't think we ever think that we haven't been taught. We say, you know, this is what I've heard, or this is what I've heard at church, or this is what my mom did, this is what my dad did. Some of us try to do the opposite of what our parents did. As long as I'm not doing what they did, then it must be the right way, right? And that doesn't mean that it's the right way just because it's the complete opposite. So most of us go in thinking, I'm gonna do better, I'm gonna love my wife, I'm gonna love my husband the way I'm supposed to do, the way I've heard at church or friends or on television, or you know, we grew up in the in the era of Oprah, right? So Oprah had all the answers, right? And so as long as we're looking at Oprah or Dr. Phil or whoever else was on television giving it relationship advice, you know, we thought, oh, okay, you know, I'm doing it right, or I've learned something new today, I'll try that. But not take um uh studying our partner seriously, um, running after them, trying to get wisdom about how they are and learn them. Most of us don't do that. So, you know, we we do learn things, but we've never been taught to pursue the other person as far as understanding.

Coach Wayne 11:29

Yeah, clinically, there is this theory that uh around attachment. And so a lot of what we we learn, it is said, we get it from our early caregivers.

Shundria 11:42

Yes.

Coach Wayne 11:42

Can you speak to that in terms of the gender differences?

Shundria 11:46

Oh man, you know, there's like these stereotypes we get when we're growing up, right? So little girls are all pretty and you have to be clean, you know, nice and neat, and boys are dirty and hard, and right, girls are really quiet, boys can be kind of loud and rough and don't cry, you know, you're man, you know, hold it up. And so, even though those were things taught to us in our childhood, we take those things to heart. And so we grow up like that. And so in adults, what we've been taught in childhood, as far as especially women, black women in particular, you don't really cry, you you're strong. If you cry, cry is like you can cry, but by yourself, but you have to come out and strong. What is a black woman's motto? We do what we do, what needs to get done. That's what I was taught. You do what you need to get done. That's it, no question, right? So you don't complain, you know, you kind of hold that thing in. Black men are taught don't cry, don't show emotions, right? And emotional is this emotional intuitiveness is not a priority, you know, in teaching black men, right? So all of that culminates. We all walk in and we bond together and we walk down the aisle, expecting for there to be some sense of peace and connection and health when we have all these ideals, all these things that we've been taught growing up and in our childhood and media, um, how we're supposed to be. And it's a disaster.

Coach Wayne 13:09

Yeah, you know, black men are taught that we are supposed to provide, yes, we protect, we produce, but we're not taught how to process.

Naming Needs Beyond Angry And Sad

Shundria 13:19

Absolutely. Yeah, that emotional intelligence is really important. There's emotional intelligence and there's emotional quotient. Emotional intelligence says, I know I can communicate how I feel, I can tell you how I feel. Emotional quotient, which is a part of emotional intelligence, says I can discern how you feel. And I can and I can sit here and try to assess what you're feeling in relationship with me. I know what it's like to be me. I don't know what it's like to be in relationship with me. So if someone tells me how it feels to be on the other side of me, I need to listen. But many of us can tell how we feel, but many of us shut off when it's time to evaluate or discern what the other person's um experience are of us in relationships. So we're not taught that at all.

Coach Stacy 14:14

Wow, that was so good. And let's talk a little bit about um naming the unnamed, right? Often um couples, I'm sure in general, but certainly as we get to a certain uh age in life, are not necessarily fighting about the dishes, but they're fighting about the unmet needs that they don't really have the language for. So share any thoughts you have about why naming your needs could be so hard for adults in particular.

Shundria 14:53

I think because we don't know how to name them. I think we just know the core ones. We know sad, we know angry, we know frustrated, you know, hungry. We really don't know. We've never gone deeper to identify, you know, I'm disappointed, or I'm intimidated, or I'm unsure, or I'm I'm a little, you know, insecure right now. I don't know. I'm lost. I don't have any words to say. You know, we don't, we don't really have anything outside of those basic things. So we really do have to learn the language around feelings, right? You know, I have clients I have this feeling will, and I it's emotion will, and I just hold up there say, pick one. And they can pick one in a little circle. They say sad. I say we said sad, and then all along the sad in that particular perspective in that spectrum, there's a whole lot of different words for sad. And one of them is disappointed. I'm disappointed. I had expectations that weren't met, so I'm disappointed. And so, yeah, a lot of us don't know how to name how to label them.

Coach Wayne 15:58

Yeah, and especially when it comes to men, you know, we oftentimes choose anger as one of the quick responses to how we feel. And sometimes anger is really about uh frustration or even fear. Yeah, because sometimes we the idea of being vulnerable is for a lot of men a sign of weakness and asking for for help to just say, hey, at this moment I need your presence because I'm feeling overwhelmed. Um it sounds a little uh for a lot of men. It's easier to say, it's easier to say, you know, when you're not around, it makes me get angry.

Vulnerability, Faith, And Repair

Shundria 16:42

Yeah, there are two key issues, two key things that we need in relationship, and that's vulnerability and intimacy. And that's what Jesus did on the cross. He was vulnerable, he was vulnerable, and it was intimacy. That's the only way we can have relationships. And he demonstrated that by going to the cross. And so those are the key elements we need in marriage. Husbands love your wife like Christ loved the church, you gave himself for, right? And so, in that relationship, there needs to be vulnerability and intimacy. Unfortunately, vulnerability is viewed as weakness, that means there's a risk, right? I have to show my inconsistencies, I have to show my weaknesses and intimacy. I have to be naked, you have to know all of my weaknesses, but that's the trick of the enemy. He understands that if we do that, he can't break the bond, he can't penetrate it, right? And so I do have big burly men as clients, big burly man, I mean the man's men, you know what I mean? They are men, men, wonderful men who decided to come to counseling for whatever reason, they decided to participate and they come every single week. They were very skeptical initially, but they come every single week. And one thing I always get them to say is once I get them to name a sadness or disappointment in their parents, or disappointment that their dad wasn't there, or disappointment how their mom treated them, or some teacher, or some coach, when I get them to name that, it disarms them. One incident, and they realize, oh, this vulnerability thing, I won't get hurt. Like it's safe to identify that, and just that one admission, it starts to break down walls all over, and they become far more acceptable into these emotional discussions, and they admit, you know what, I was wrong. You're right, I was not doing that, and they realize that that vulnerability and intimacy is creating a much better relationship with their um spouses at home.

Coach Wayne 18:37

Yeah, part of it, I think, is the entraining of both parties that you can put a new meaning to an incident. And so in the past, we may have seen from our early caregivers a particular behavior, and we attached a certain meaning to that. Um, and oftentimes, you know, for parents, especially midlifers, they didn't come with the blueprint, so they kind of had to figure it out along the way and did the best they could. That's part of the understanding for forgiveness, first of all, to be able to let go and move on, and to know that something else is possible in the way you're going to rear your own family. And um, it's it's helping them to also put a new meaning to some of the things that uh traditionally uh we've been told by by the media, by Hollywood, by friends, family. Um, that's just not useful to us today.

Shundria 19:36

It is not, and it is ruining in a lot of relationships, parent-child relationships. Vulnerability is the key to good, strong relationships. If I can be vulnerable with you and feel safe, means I can love you wholly and completely. If I'm not vulnerable, if I don't feel safe, then I'm always hesitant to extend my complete self in the relationship. I'm just I won't do it because if if I don't feel safe, then I won't lay all those things out for you, right? And no, we weren't taught that. We were taught how to respond. You know, my mom used to say, um, speak when she spoke. I didn't ask you. I didn't, I'm not asking your opinion. Right. Do what I say, I don't care, right? And so there was no expectation that there was an experience on the other side. There was an experience being 10 and being told that, right? Right. And but you know, we grew up in a time where all the psychology things weren't readily accessible. We didn't know, right? But um, we didn't know that we weren't learning emotional intelligence. We didn't know we weren't learning how we felt. We just knew that we're supposed to respond to how that person felt. If they feel angry, we respond a certain way, right? There was no, there was nothing about vulnerability and I'm sad or that hurt my feelings, right? It was nothing like that. So we do grow up, unfortunately, with some of those same rules. If I feel that way, then that it must be true. It must be true if I feel that way.

Coach Stacy 21:03

So, so good. Listening to and thinking about vulnerability. Often when um Wayne and I host shows, we um offer as coaches some coaching questions, but having your expertise here is really a unique opportunity. And so when it comes to vulnerability, what, if any, kind of questions might you share that our listener might begin to ponder um as they think about, hmm, are are there times that I have been shielding and not um been vulnerable? Or is my vulnerability stepping in the way? Um, but you know, those those are my questions. But what what do you think? What questions would you ask?

Identity Shifts And Renewing The Mind

Shundria 21:49

What questions would you ask yourself, do I have one response mainly? If I'm if I just get angry or frustrated about everything, it's something I don't like if I'm always frustrated or angry. There's something else going on, right? Or if I don't address it at all, if I just say, okay, whatever, that's fine. If I just shut down, there's something else you're feeling. And being able to identify those feelings and question yourself, you don't even have to do it with your with your mate or your spouse. You can say, Why am I always angry? What is going on? What is that internal dialogue that's happening within me that I can't reach out to my wife, or I can't reach out to my husband, or I can't reach out to my children for that matter, right? What is it about me that keeps me enclosed within myself? Why is the common experience of me anger? Why most people in my life say I'm hard to reach? Are most people in my life avoid me? Are most people in my life just make sure I'm happy and walk away? Right? Those are the questions because I think trying to figure yourself out with out within yourself, it's hard without asking those questions because you're just used to you. It's normal to do it that way, right? So if you say, hey, you know, people are telling me that, or I do notice that I'm always angry, I need to start, you know, why am I always angry? Why am I frustrated?

Coach Wayne 23:08

Yeah, you speak of the power of asking poignant questions. And oftentimes one of the things that happen is we don't ask ourselves these questions, those questions you ask.

Shundria 23:22

Right.

Coach Wayne 23:23

Because we're always asking questions, even if it's to ourselves, in a little corner. And so part of the work that you do obviously is helping people to ask these questions, provoking questions, profound questions, so that they can go deeper. And you know, uh, in my own practice, I ask questions oftentimes, why do you want that? Why, why? We dig three sometimes four or five levels down to get to the core of what's going on, so that um, you know, the surface stuff that people typically come in, I guess you see it in your practice, you know, they come in and they give you the surface stuff. By day four or five, you realize that that's just the face of it all. But it's it's a lot deeper than that.

Shundria 24:07

In the first 10, 15 minutes, I'm like, all right.

Coach Wayne 24:09

Yeah, all right.

Coach Stacy 24:14

Well, if you see it in the first 15 minutes, what what's what's your what's your I don't know, either your go-to question or what's your approach in um kind of identifying it and calling that thing a thing?

Shundria 24:28

Well, I've been doing this for 20 years. So I've spoken to have a lot, have had a lot of conversations, but mostly it's like I can tell when people are telling me their script. It's the story that they told themselves. Like we all tell stories. We live in stories. You have a story, I have a story, I'm telling a story as I'm talking to you, and you're telling a story as you're asking me questions, right? And so we're all living stories, and we can't help but do that. That's just what we do. So when people come into my office, they tell their story, and I can tell when it's the same, it's the thing. This is how I am, this is how I grew up, this is what I've normally do, and this is what we've always done, and this is what I like, and this is what I don't like. It's a story. And if I know that I can tell that it's just the thing, this is who I am, this is what I do, this is my behavior. And when they start doing that, I'm like, ah, okay, okay, yeah.

Coach Stacy 25:19

Okay. You know, as um, I was just gonna say that that Curtis is in our listening lounge, and Curtis said digging is not always easy, and that is showing up the truth.

Mindfulness, Self-Care, and Active Listening

Shundria 25:34

It's not, and you do have to have grace and patience, even with yourself, because some people are really tired of being that way. They really do want their relationships to work, they want their spouses to be happy and content, they want their kids to be engaged and they want a close relationship with their children. They do want that, so yeah, digging it does take some time. I don't, I don't just start, you know, I'll just don't hit the ground running, right? So I do know um that most of us are very fragile people and on the inside of us, we're easily broken and easily um, you know, misunderstood sometimes. And we just want to be heard and loved really all of us just really want to be loved and connected with. We want connections, and so um, yeah, it takes some time to um to get to those places, absolutely.

Coach Wayne 26:21

One of the big things that that shows up a lot with folks is the feeling of just not being enough, not being good enough, not having enough, you know, and and this limiting belief and this false premise uh gets in the way of oftentimes relationships. How do we by way of action and communication, verbal and non-verbal, how do we one fill the need of your partner where not good enough exists?

Shundria 27:00

Well, one, the ground is level at the cross, no one's enough. No one's enough. We're all filled with things that are wrong. And I think grace and acceptance and getting um to know the person in their inconsistencies. These are my weaknesses, these are the things I struggle with. This is how hard it is for me. That's vulnerability. But one understanding that we all have inconsistencies. The other is really listen to your own, um, you know, your own messages that you're telling yourself. Do you, you know, is enough the the is enough the quota? Is that the that that's the expectation, right? And so enough of what? What does enough mean? What does enough look like? Right? Is it a certain amount of um successes? Is it a certain amount of degrees, a certain amount of money? You know, what are those um guidelines and who told you that? When did that become the thing? And if if that's not the thing, then you can really, you and your wife can establish what the thing is, right? You can re-imagine some things, you can redefine what success is and what enough is. You can do that within a relationship, and it's no one else's business. You don't have to walk away telling people that we decided that this is this and that's that. That's no one's business. That's your between you and your um person your person, right? So that's not it, it's something that you can work out with each other and redefine it, but also understand that those are messages that you learned growing up if you were never good enough.

Coach Wayne 28:29

Yeah, Stacey, if you allow me, it's a two-part question. I was leading you into this second part, and that is how do you then shift identity? Now, now, again, your 20-year-old self can't serve you at 40. So, how do you make that shift in a relationship, especially at midlife?

Shundria 28:48

You have to do it um as as it relates to how you think. It cannot be how you feel, right? Feelings are real, right? But they are a result of what you think. So you think, you feel, and you behave, right? So you have to change your thinking, you have to rewire your brain, which means it may feel uncomfortable to think that I'm enough. It may feel uncomfortable to go for that job, it may be uncomfortable to do this, but I have to think differently to teach my body differently. We are really just walking around, just responding to our bodies, right? Our bodies learned a certain thing a certain way. And whatever comfort is, comfort could be abuse, comfort could be, you know, um dismissing, comfort could be shutting down. That doesn't mean it's healthy because you're feeling that way, right? But we have to really change our thinking, and that means talking to ourselves. Sometimes you have to say, Oh, that's my dad talking. That's not me. What is my decision about myself? Right? Oh, that's my mom. Oh, that's that coach I had, or that's that teacher I had, or that's that that pastor I had, you know, that's somebody in my life, and that wasn't right. They shouldn't have said that to me, they shouldn't have done that to me. What do I think about that? I'm repeating what they said, and I in even back then I didn't like it.

Coach Stacy 30:02

Right.

Shundria 30:03

So, what what can be what is something I know about myself that's true? What have I been told by the people that love me?

Coach Stacy 30:13

Yeah, and what does God say about me, right?

Shundria 30:17

Yes.

Coach Stacy 30:18

So before we move on, we want to get Curtis's question in here, which is where do you think fragility comes from within our psyche?

When To Seek Counseling

Shundria 30:27

It's just really big, it comes from one, how your how your brains were formed. It always goes back to how you were formed and grew up, really. Right? Some of us weren't allowed to be um assertive, some of us weren't allowed to be um even weak or what we call fragile. We really weren't allowed to be that way. So however you were formed in whatever environment, you learned it through this emotional response. When babies learn, I used to be a child protective service worker. I used to go in in homes of kids who were abused, and kids who were never picked up learn not to cry for anything, right? Flat affect, there was no facial expression, they didn't laugh, they didn't cry because they knew if I did any of that, my needs weren't going to get met, right? So some most of us don't have that extreme of an experience, but some of us did not have any responses to those immediate needs of I'm hurting or what you said hurt my feelings, or I don't like what you did to me, or you said it was my fault, and I know it was my fault. And I'm trying to tell you I didn't do it and you won't believe me. We don't have anything to go by, so we take those experiences, and then that's how it all happens, right? Nothing to challenge that. So we learn that, and so we go through life like that. It's just through experience and experiences and through relationships with other people.

Coach Wayne 31:48

This is a master class, yes, sorry.

Coach Stacy 31:52

That's right. We should, we should, we should have positioned it as a master class, right, Coach Wayne?

Coach Wayne 31:57

Yes, ma'am.

Coach Stacy 31:58

So good. So good. I think what we want to make sure we do is give our listeners um maybe some practical tools that that you feel like they can take advantage of or engage even this week, right? What's what's one or two things that they can do um this week that will help them move forward in this area of communication, communication with self and communication with their loved ones.

Resources, Gratitude, And Closing

Shundria 32:29

The first thing I can say is what we call mindfulness. It's just sitting still and getting to know yourself, right? Calming yourself down, notice your breathing, go through your senses, you know, what do I feel? What do I see? What do I smell? And just take notice of what where your body is in that moment and just take some time, just start knowing how your body feels. Um, sometimes, you know, I walk around and something hurts and it just hurts. I have my sock is wrong, it's twisted in my shoe, and I just walk around all day and and and mad that it hurts, but not doing anything about it, right? So, you know, sometimes I just have to stop, just you know, switch your sock, Shundria, so you'll feel better. Just take the time to switch the sock, right? So, and some of us just doesn't we don't take the time to just stop and figure out what's bothering us or what we feel. So I would say mindfulness. Just take some time in the day, just to sit still and some quiet and just ask yourself how I feel, what I'm caring, what I'm sad about, what I'm happy about, what I'm excited about, what I'm anxious about, and just be mindful, just breathe through it so you just kind of get to know where you are. And I say ground, like get to a place where you make a decision that I'm okay right now. Yes, to say I am okay.

Coach Wayne 33:47

Yeah, Shundria. Uh when we talk about practical stuff, there is a little bit of a foggy demarcation when it comes to couples and self-care. Yes, self-care and couples. Can you give some practical nuggets around that? Because sometimes you know we get in each other's way or we feel that one is being selfish when one takes time out for self-care.

Shundria 34:17

Yeah, with within the realms of not being selfish, there is this anxious attachment, right? I have to be okay with what you do in order for what you're doing to be okay, right? So some of us feel anxious when our significant other goes out or enjoys a time without us and you know, maybe find a different hobby that doesn't include us. That's an anxious attachment. But what we don't understand is if that person feels fully themselves, then they can live fully with us, right? So if they're fully themselves and they can fully love and laugh and have a great time, then there's safety in that, and there's this wholeness about ourselves that we can just be fully ourselves in our spaces. If we can't do that, then that intimacy and vulnerability that will never happen. So just allowing people to be their full selves, right? And a part of that is practicing um just kind of how to communicate better, you know, active listening. Some people talk to listen, right? And some people listen to talk, right? So we're supposed to be, you know, right? So we we we don't listen just to kind of know what's going on. We listen for what we're gonna rebuttal or what we're gonna fight about, or that's not true, right? So we just listen to say what we want to say. We're not listening to actually get an understanding from the other person. So active listening is saying, okay, why do they feel that way? She looks sad or he looks frustrated or he looks disappointed. Why does he feel that way? Right? So active listening is an important part of being, you know, being connected and being your full self in a relationship.

Coach Wayne 35:47

Hmm. Stace, what do you gotta say? We're almost at the space where we're gonna say goodbye, but I wish we could keep this going for a long time this evening, Stacey.

Coach Stacy 35:58

Yeah, I think I one more kind of practical question before um before we sign off. What either benchmarks or behaviors or triggers might there be that couples experience that should cause someone to say, maybe we need counseling.

Shundria 36:30

Oh, um withdrawal of affection or silence, a withdrawal of themselves from you, or constant bickering, you never can get to the to the place, right? Or if you feel constantly misunderstood, or you know, and you don't have to wait for your spouse to go, you can come by yourself. You don't have to wait, you don't have to go up as a couple. Um, and um, most people are kind of hesitant to go to counseling. And I always say, you know, when people come in, hey, this is your your counseling session. I'm not here to do anything, but hear you and help you get to where you want to go, right? So once they know it's really just a conversation, and now therefore there's no condemnation to those in Christ who are in Christ Jesus, right? So you come understanding that I'm not here to tell you what's wrong with you, I'm here to help you identify some things that we can work on so we can improve this relationship that you want so badly, that you want your house to be healthy and whole and complete and peaceful. You know, I can help you get there. So no, mainly it's just you know, making sure that you're open to get help.

Coach Wayne 37:34

Hey, Chandra Riddick, you are massive in terms of this information. You bring it to the people, and that's a beautiful thing. What what are you working on? Uh, any any projects? Uh, how do folks find you? Uh, leave us something where we can have more of you.

Shundria 37:54

Yes, you can look me up at Instagram. I'm at Shandra Riddick everywhere. Um, and right now, right now, I'm just doing a lot of speaking, a lot of podcasting. So I do a lot of speaking around the country and around Metroplex and podcasts just like this. So I'm doing that. I do have a book, Mary for Five Minutes. I wrote a while ago. Um, me and a counterpart uh Michelle Stimson, a best-selling author, Michelle Stimpson. If y'all know Boaz Brown, she's the author of Boaz Brown. We wrote Mary for Five Minutes Together, and that's available on Amazon. So, yeah, a lot of writing and speaking and things like that. So, loving the Lord, following him, that's what I'm doing. Love it, love it.

Coach Stacy 38:34

I love it, love it, love it, love it. I couldn't, I cannot begin to say how grateful we are for your yes, uh, for the beautiful gift of your presence and for your generosity in sharing your expertise coupled with the hope of Christ. Um, this has been uh a joy, just a true joy. Um, and before we we're gonna ask you to hang out as we sign off, but I want to make sure that my fellow partner, co-host, um has anything to say. Okay, Sharon. Go ahead.

Coach Wayne 39:25

I I want to thank folks for joining in tonight because this is a lot of gem, and especially in our community, the importance of family, families first, then we have to make sure that despite the narrative that we're hearing, that we go against that and keep family as a focus. You know, with better families, we have better communities, better communities, better society, better society, we have a better world.

Shundria 39:50

Amen. Yeah, and I cannot just say thank y'all. It really is an honor, and I don't say that, I don't take that lightly when I'm invited onto someone else's platform because I know you care about your people, you care about who you take care um of, and I know they hold space for y'all. So thank you for allowing me in such an intimate space and a valuable space. I just want to say thank you um for trusting me in on your platform. So thank you very much.

Coach Stacy 40:14

Absolutely. We want to we want to thank Sharon uh for joining us this evening, and Dominique for joining us this evening, who thanks you for your wisdom. Uh Sharon says she loves this, and we appreciate y'all being here for this episode of Midlife Revolution Unleashed. And don't leave us uh Andrea. Okay.

Coach Wayne 40:40

We got Dr. Richard Cross, who's been here from the get-go. And Dea and of course Curtis, and I've not checked everybody else that's coming through and all of the handles that we had out there today. But hey, folks, you are listening to an episode of Midlife Revolution Unleashed. Tonight we spoke with the one and only Shundria. And uh listen, it was powerful. Love on the pressure, communication tools for midlife relationships. Stacy, how can the folk catch some of your good coaching?

Coach Stacy 41:11

Oh, well, they indeed know how to reach me. I can be reached everywhere at thestacymlewis.com. The Stacy M Lewis, y'all find me. Y'all know how to reach me, and we'll make sure that Shundria's information is in the show notes along with Coach Wayne and I. Coach Wayne, what you got to say to the people?

Coach Wayne 41:31

Hey, until next time, I'll see you at the top. I'm cheering y'all on.

Coach Stacy 41:39

Thanks for tuning in to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. We're grateful you're part of this journey.

Coach Wayne 41:45

If you love this episode, share it, subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you don't miss another episode.

Coach Stacy 41:51

I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 41:54

And I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.