Midlife Revolution Unleashed

Silent Scorecards And Midlife Resentment

• Stacy M. Lewis & Wayne Dawson • Season 3 • Episode 79

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Ever catch yourself thinking I moved the shoes yesterday, so it’s your turn—then feeling that quiet sting when no one notices? We dig into the “silent scorecard,” the running tally of invisible labor and unspoken expectations that can turn midlife into a slow burn of resentment. From caregiving in the sandwich generation to being the office’s emotional glue, we share why resentment is a signal, not a moral failure, and how to trade scorekeeping for clarity, capacity, and consent.

We walk through the traps of competence—how being reliable gets you more work by default—and show simple ways to interrupt that pattern with honest agreements. You’ll hear real stories about money friction, household help, and the tiny critiques that erode appreciation at home. We offer self-coaching prompts you can use today: What do I wish someone would do that I’ve never asked for? What am I hoping they’ll just notice? Then we model language for renegotiating roles without “receipts,” and explain why speaking in the present tense from capacity beats martyrdom every time.

Along the way, we talk about guarding your heart without building walls, making the invisible visible, and using gentle, specific asks to align on what truly matters right now. You’ll leave with homework for a one-week irritations audit, a journaling practice to spot triggers, and concise scripts to reset expectations at home and at work. Plus, we share affirmations to anchor the shift—clearer is kinder than resentment—and a brief Black History Month reflection on names, roots, and identity.

If this resonated, hit follow, share it with a friend who’s carrying too much, and leave a quick review telling us one role you’re ready to renegotiate. Your clarity might be the nudge someone else needs.

Subscribe @CoachStacyMLewis and @CoachWayneVIP

💃🏽Stacy M. Lewis
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Coach Stacy:

Have you ever felt irritated, exhausted, or quietly resentful, and couldn't quite explain why? You're doing all the things holding it together, but inside, something feels off. Chances are you're keeping a silent scorecard and didn't even realize it.

Coach Wayne:

And what makes it that tricky is that nobody agreed to the rules. No one asked us to keep score even, but here we are. You found the midlife revolution unleashed the space to embrace your wisdom, reignite your passions, and move boldly into what's next. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach.

Coach Stacy:

And I'm Coach Stacy M. Lewis. We're here with insights, stories, and strategies to fuel your midlife journey. So take a breath, lean in. Your revolution starts now.

Coach Wayne:

Hey, Coach Stacy. Good to see ya. It's always beautiful sharing this platform. How are you?

Coach Stacy:

I'm doing well and it's good to be seen. Welcome to Midlife Revolution Unleashed in a fresh new episode where we are going to explore the real, often unspoken dynamics of midlife. The joy of the season. We'll be unpacking the silent scorecard and how those unspoken expectations that emotional labor and those invisible roles can quietly turn into resentment. And what to do about it.

Coach Wayne:

Stacy, we're talking about score cards, and we're coming up on big sports weekend. And we uh, you know, it's it's just happening everywhere, right? Lots of post and pre-games and all that good stuff is happening and has happened. And so people have been keeping score all along this season, and so do we in the midlife season, but our scores are a little bit different. Our silent scorecard is the mental leisure we keep off what we do, what we carry, what we wish others would notice. And and sometimes it's not even intentional. We just almost, you know, we just do it because we're so accustomed to doing that. We are in the head and the mind doing this stuff. It's a burden sometimes.

Coach Stacy:

Yes, indeedy. You are absolutely right. With all the scorekeeping and excitement around the Olympics and um, you know, competition and all of that. And it is that mental leisure that you talked about, um, because that resentment often forms when our expectations go unspoken. And I'm sure uh I know that you've also coached um some couples, right? And it is it is often that that lack of communication, right? That unspoken expectation of they should be able to read my mind, right? They should know what I want, they should know what I need. Uh and you know, those unspoken expectations just remain emotionally binding because we're not talking about it, we're just building that resentment.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah. And to your point, you know, we're not judging resentment, it is not a moral failure. It really is a signal. And we like to talk about paying attention to what's happening in our world so that we use it as feedback and not as uh ways of self-punishment, you know, self-flagation.

Coach Stacy:

Yes, yes. And it's not, it's not the the blame game, right? It's not someone else causing your resentment. It really is taking the opportunity to look at ourselves and notice if resentment is showing up after we've come through a season or a time span where we keep saying, I've got it, I've got it, I'll take care of it. I'm good. We got this, I'll take care of it. And we realize that all of those I got it, right? When we took it on, has actually begun to build a little resentment. So it is the noticing of that showing up and how and what has taken place.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah, I see resentment happening sometimes uh with, and I'll I'll I'll admit, I've resented sometimes taking up, you know, uh working with someone on a project in the past. And you know what it is? When you are capable and you can get something done, you get what? More of it. And so, in terms of doing teamwork, I've resented the fact that I've had teammates that know that I can carry the load and it's gonna happen no matter what. So they kind of let back. Hey, Stace, you know, I've learned since that boy, I just do what I'm responsible for. I can't be responsible for someone else's being or doing. And so I gotta let that stuff go. And I'm saying you at midlife, it's about time you let go some of the Paul's expectations that you carry around on yourself.

Coach Stacy:

So it's such an interesting season as well. We talk about um the fact that some of us uh are in the in the sandwich generation, right? Where we're taking care of our offspring, whether they be younger, older, or adults. Um we're taking care of our parents or our grandparents, our um stepparents, and we realize that either we have become or we have taken on being the default caregiver, right? Like I know I was the default caregiver when my dad was alive, and it was taking on the responsibility in part because I was the most available, right? And the closest. And at the same time, I believe around me, uh, and not faulting anyone, but around me, I I became the default caregiver. Like everyone looked to me to say, okay, what's happening with dad? Okay, what when is how is he going to get to the doctor's appointment? All of that. And and so um it is the roles that we sometimes loudly inherent, inherit, and sometimes inherit um in midlife without that ability to negotiate or or renegotiate and just and being the silent care caregiver is one of those examples.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah, and that is beautiful, Stacy, because it also segues into what is happening from the family, the personal life, as you pointed out, into oftentimes what happens in our public life or professional life. We carry around invisible and emotional labor in midlife. Uh, you know, folks expect or we think they do a certain thing from us. We anticipate this need from us, so to speak. And it's hard to manage our emotions when we are belabored. And a lot of times, because we are this more seasoned one in the room, or we are at this place with the expectation that this is the milestone we should have. These are our responsibilities as a more mature, seasoned person. We hold on to these things. We are the holder of the wisdom, so to speak. And and that is invisible emotional labor, I think, as well, that we have to learn to let go.

Coach Stacy:

Yeah, I think uh in women that invisible emotional labor, whoo, that's a that's a mouthful, um shows up in times because of the perceptions or the expectations of you know being the superwoman, uh, you know, throwing throwing on the cape, being this the strong black woman. The reality is that those expectations, whether they be self-expectations or external expectations, um, are part of that invisible labor. I mean, you know, it it is that's some heavy stuff to carry, and we have to recognize that it is the fact that that level of load can breed or cause us to feel resentful that this is the expectation or this is the perception that I need to project.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah. I was talking to a brother recently, not someone that I coached professionally, but you know, when friends know you're in the business, they try to push a little in. And so as I was sharing with him, he talked about some of the resentment he's having for his significant other. That's because uh she's out of work right now, and but she still gets her nails done. And so he's saying, you know, I'm carrying around all this stuff, I'm pulling it together, I'm making this happen. And, you know, they've been together for a long time. And and you know, I wanted to say, hey, that's a small courtesy, a small thing to do. Is it is how is it serving you? Is it is it destroying the budget? Is it something and and it's quite okay. They're not hard up, they're managing, um, you know, but it's one of the things that his lady friend needs because um she's on the de duress in terms of it's it's it's her way of just taking care of herself, and it's a small price to pay. And so, you know, we have to recognize sometimes that we have to let go these things we call burdens. Um, as a coach and as a coach yourself, Stacey. One of the things I think we uh tell our clients is uh identify, do an audit, and identify some of the things that you're carrying around and uh things that you can let go, leave off to relieve yourself of this silent scorecard. I did this, so you should do this for me, kind of thing.

Coach Stacy:

I couldn't agree with you more, and your example is great because it emphasizes the silent in the scorecard, right? So he and no fault, I think that this is part of our human nature. Is it possible that he could actually talk that out with his significant other, or at least in a non-confrontational way, express how he feels about it so that he, to your point, can hear how she feels about it, right? So to your point, yeah, this is the one thing that's kind of keeping her feeling beautiful, if if that's it. Um and yet if if there is that silent resentment building, that's that's the part that we want to dismantle, right? We want to remove the silence, not come aggressive, not come, you know, derogatory, but to just say, hey, this, you know, when I think about our finances and uh recognizing that getting your nails done is important to you, I just want you to know what I'm also experiencing in it is I'm looking at a hundred bucks, go out the door, right? With without knowing that we're really managing a different income level right now. And so we have the the power to remove the silence from the scorecard. And um, you know, we don't want to spend a lot of time keeping score, but I do think that your example just uh really points to the decision of silence and the scorecard and how it can lead to resentment.

Coach Wayne:

Yes, Stace, would you introduce the good uh book at this point? Because I know you do this so well.

Coach Stacy:

You know, I you know there's always so so many um scriptures that that come to mind, but when we talk about the silent scorecard, and in particular around this invisible and emotional labor, one is that we have to guard our hearts, and I think it's in Proverbs where it talks about above all else, guard your heart for everything flows from it, right? And so that resentment, right, the guarding of the heart that that we want we want to guard our heart from that resentment, from holding those feelings in, from carrying that emotional labor, because from our heart is where everything is gonna flow from. So that's what I got for you.

Coach Wayne:

Thank you. And Stace, I think what that really means, and and the warning is the hearkening is we're not saying build up walls and get tough and hard. We're saying just become more intentional and aware and uh and and selective in terms of what you carry in terms of your scorecard.

Coach Stacy:

Absolutely. It is in the noticing, right? It is in the noticing. If you are carrying some of those examples that we talked about earlier, being the default caregiver, um, you know, if you're the emotional processor at work, all of that involves guarding our hearts. If you're the strong one, um, you know, if you're holding the family history and you feel like no one else is carrying the banner, we've got to remove the silence from the scorecard in ways that are healthy.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah. And Stacey, we got to look at how we a lot of times by this stage, midlife, we have developed patterns in our lives. Things that we do uh automatically, things we do without even thinking. And we have to look at ourselves and see, you know, have are we dependable? And what sort of expectations do we place on ourselves? Um, because expectation sometimes becomes like an entitlement. Uh, and and and when we don't speak out to your point, even if we don't have a constructive conversation in our own heads about what we're doing and why we're doing it, we're just doing things to tally scores, the resentment will set in. And that we don't want, right? People get bitter, and you know, a lot of older people, Stacy. I've seen them, they get these frown wrinkles, they're bitter, they live a life of resentment. Oh, you know, all my life I did this, I did, and what I didn't do. And you don't want to be that grumpy old lady or old guy in the room that nobody sits beside at the bingo table.

Coach Stacy:

That does not sound like your best second half. That's what I will say. Um, expectation, you know, can become entitlement. You know, how often are we talking about um maybe our offspring that even as adults come with this sense of entitlement because they expect us to continue to do the things we used to do? Um, one thing about resentment that we don't want to forget is that it creeps in, it quietly moves in. It doesn't just, you know, today you're doing fine and something happens and you're like, oh, I'm resentful. The reality is that it builds and it quietly moves in. And I think it's so important to often acknowledge that resentment can be grief for support that we never asked for. It goes back to the silence.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah. A couple that I'm dealing with, um, a gay couple, the one gentleman has been traveling for work, and his partner uh doesn't travel as much. And this is kind of recent. And so all of a sudden he fires the house help that would come in to clean, right? On a weekly basis. And he hasn't quite said it to his partner, to his husband. But the expectation, Stacey, is you are now doing that job, you are now taking up the laundry, the mopping, the cleaning, the this. And the other guy is is um is resentful, and they're both resentful, and nobody really is speaking about it until they're sitting in my office, right? And so you see sometimes that resentment is really a call out for support, you know. And if you don't nip it in the bud, then it explodes somewhere, and uh, this is a cause of a lot of divorces and separations and and firings and that sort of thing. Because to your point earlier, you got to put it out there and reframe what you're feeling.

Coach Stacy:

I couldn't agree with you more, and I think uh some coaching questions right around that. Um, this is like the self-coaching opportunity opportunity. What do I wish someone would do? But I've never said or never asked.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah.

Coach Stacy:

Right to that point of, you know, I wish you would mop the floor, but I'm just gonna cancel the housekeeping and not say that this is what I hope we can work out now, right? What do I wish someone would do, but I've never said, I've never asked. And the second question is what am I hoping they'll just notice?

Coach Wayne:

Yeah, yeah. Stacy, you know, I got stories all day long, right? It's almost like I grew up with a grandmother, but I didn't. But Stacy, I'll tell you, um, you know, Audrey comes in and she works out of the house, her business, and then uh private practice. And sometimes we don't get a chance to cook every night. We certainly can't. I'm home in a day and I only cook once in a while anyway, and I prefer when she cooks. I can't tell you why. But when she's cooking the food, she goes into it. And I always say, You're cooking with love, baby, because I don't want it to feel like you know, I don't care. But then she says, Taste, taste, and she's all happy. You know, once in a while, maybe a little too much of something got away. She likes a little spice, and the first thing I'll say is now she's slaving over that kitchen. First thing I'll say is, oh man, too spicy. And then I catch myself because I say to myself, not that she will, but I don't want her to. I catch myself quickly, and I say, That could build up some resentment because so much love and labor has been put in and effort. Here I am, rather than just appreciating for what it is. My first thing is to point flaws, and so we gotta check ourselves where that's concerned. Some of us go around with what's not right, what should be in place, you know, measuring stuff, the scorecard. I moved the shoes yesterday, so today's your day. We gotta let that go.

Coach Stacy:

Right. Right. Well, well said, and and no more negative comments about whether it's too spicy or not. You just Better suck it up for the moment and go drink some water. Yeah. Go drink some water. Let's talk a little bit about the reality of the need to renegotiate roles without keeping receipts. We hear a lot, you know, people like, I got the receipts, you know, this happened and I got the receipts. So uh the reality is we need to sometimes look at these roles, these expectations, and think about how we can renegotiate them without the receipts. What you got for which way?

Coach Wayne:

Well, Stacey, the fact of the matter is that expectations don't automatically mean an agreement, right? If you expect something of someone, you need to get an affirmation or an agreement or a renegotiation because now you move off with the expectation that, you know, I'm off today and Wayne is going to take my car to the garage. But guess what? Wayne is not going to the garage today. So you come home and the car is still sitting and you're like, oh, what happened? I thought you were home. You're gonna the reality is we have to be clear about our agreements. The agreements that we have with other people matter out of first, if nothing else, just merely respecting other people's position.

Coach Stacy:

Yeah. Yeah. Agreement requires voice and it requires clarity, and agreement is a choice. Um, in my coaching work, we start out with shared agreements between me, the coach, and the client so that we're both on the same page. And too often we're not giving voice to or clarity around um agreements and waiting for or inviting the other person, right, to make the choice to agree, right? You can't agree by yourself, right? You have you need to be in that in that relationship, whether it's in the home, on the job, you know, out in the community, agreement to it, it has to work. Both have to be in agreement in order for it to be true agreement.

Coach Wayne:

And let us not try to be superheroes. Just know where your limits are, your capacity. And sometimes you got to say no. No to people you love. You know, no is a powerful word, but an important one for self-preservation and and for relationships as well. So don't just use historical reference, you know, I'm a supposed to because I've always no, I can't do that now, right? I'm older, I can't manage to uh to do the things I used to do. So no. Or I'm wiser. And right, you know, right also important, I think, very important to be in the present tense. You to your point, we talk about going back to find the receipts, you know. I mean, really, how dare you talk about what happened in 1940? Come on, let us let us be in the now and and be present when we're talking about our needs and our agreements and and what's expected and anticipated.

Coach Stacy:

Yes, yes, and yes, when we talk about renegotiating the roles, we have to make sure that we're clear about what the roles are before we even start to renegotiate it. And to your point of that, using the present tense, right? Speak from capacity, like what I can do, not martyrdom, like, oh, I can do this and I can do that, and I can, you know, I can take it all on, which is then going to breed some of that silent resentment. But speak from capacity, like right now, I have the capacity to take that on, but I don't have the capacity to take this on as well. How can we negotiate or really come to clear expectations about what's important, what's urgent, what I must do, what you must do, and how that works together, clearly stating it so that there is no foundation for resentment.

Coach Wayne:

And Stacy, let me just say this in terms of clarification. I know we talked about must, but must is it can be strong and compelling and should, right? So when we talk about expectations, uh be gentle when we're sharing with others what the expectations are and how we want to move about it. Because people get offended sometimes, yeah. Uh and very sensitive we are in terms of again with the agreement. Like any other contract, both parties gotta agree. There are things you compromise, there are things you work through, and then you kind of shake on it and you move forward. So uh very important that both people or whoever it is is at the table, and uh that way we can release some of the pressure off keeping scores.

Coach Stacy:

Right. Because it's not about weakness or to your point of, you know, keeping scores, you did this, and and therefore, you know, I'm going to do that. It really is about self-leadership and acknowledging who you are, where you are, and giving yourself permission to revise what no longer fits in the season, and then in any type of relationship, communicating that need for revision in a way that is inclusive and supportive and brings your needs to the table without receipts.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah, Stacey, we're talking about making the invisible visible, bringing it to the table. You said so. Bringing it to the table is so important. Uh, you know, and it starts with self, with moi. You can't go out and speak about things that you haven't acknowledged. And so if you know you're feeling some kind of way, fellas, fellas, fellas, talking to you. If you are holding stuff in because you're trying to be bigger and better than and Superman, but inside you are seething, you are ready to let go. Um, it's gonna be dangerous to yourself, firstly, health issues, mental health issues. I'm seeing it every day in my office. People just carrying stuff on their scorecards and it's not matching up, but they won't be honest enough to say it out loudly, especially to themselves. And so they come in and they have already imploded by the time I see them, and now we got to do some damage control.

Coach Stacy:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That that the question of where am I overfunctioning to avoid discomfort, right? To avoid the conversation, to avoid acknowledging how am I how I'm feeling right now. I'm overfunctioning. I'm I'm just plowing through. Um, and that always breeds resentment. Um, and really looking at how we can seek opportunities and pursue opportunities to change.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah. Stace, uh a little more uh off a good word, if you will.

Coach Stacy:

You know, I I think it really is about acknowledging that wisdom, right, which is all throughout the Proverbs, but that wisdom really begins with honest inventory. We have to look at ourselves honestly, not with judgment or harsh criticism, but with honesty. And so even as we pursue the conversations that are to bridge the gap around resentment or mitigating resentment, it all starts with looking at ourselves honestly, like what is or has been my role in this? And how does that play into how I feel right now? So I would I would just say, you know, hit the book of Proverbs, but think about wisdom and and the reality that it all starts with us being honest with ourselves, not critical, not judgmental, but honest.

Coach Wayne:

Thank you, Stacy. I know it can always count on you for that. Stace, I'm gonna roll up my sleeves because you know I got to talk to the people about homework. I love to give homework, Stacey. Here's a bit of homework for folk listening in. Go back or well, look at patterns, but be in the here and now as you do it. So you're only going back to get data, right? And I like the journaling piece, Stacey, but you can do it any other way you want as well. Identify what causes irritations about you and in you, or from other people, what shows up, what bothers you, and what are the triggers, what are the causes, and journal it, speak it to your therapy, write it down, whatever you gotta do, draw it out. Uh, but get it out there, and I'm gonna say do this intentionally, starting today or tonight after this show, and just take some time. You know what's bothering you. You know there are things that you feel that makes you kind of raise your lip, look at people a certain kind of way, you know, and and for the Jamaicans and the Caribbean people, you do this you joke sin, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're finding yourself doing shh too often, you gotta check out what's triggering that.

Coach Stacy:

I think I would add to your homework or home play, however one decides to put it away. I like that um that it's important that we pay attention to ourselves and spend some time really noticing those moments that we feel those ways or those triggers uh in the moment that cause us to feel away. So often we plow through the day, Wayne, and you know, even thinking about it from the journaling aspect, don't wait until you get the pen in your hand to pay attention. Pay attention as the day and the week goes on so that you've really begun to notice how you're truly feeling, right? Goes back to that being honest with ourselves, but to notice how we're truly feeling and then and begin to then kind of pursue those those questions of understanding the the irritation and the expectations. And you know, did I talk about this? Did I mention that to this to the person that that really gives me a bad vibe or a negative feeling? Or did I just hold it in and now I just feel worse? Um, that noticing I think is critical.

Coach Wayne:

Yeah, Stacy, uh, I want to remind folks, and we're not closing yet because I have a little something. I gotta, it's it's Black History Month, and I gotta tell you why I'm wearing this today. Outside of that.

Coach Stacy:

All right, all right, all right.

Coach Wayne:

So before we we we even get to there and give some folks some affirmations, Stacy, how do the folks reach you for some of that good, good coaching?

Coach Stacy:

Well, you know, I my my heart's desire is to really add value. And so, you know, I'm here to serve as a power partner um to women who are really looking to magnify their worth, to obtain clarity around their limiting beliefs, um, increase the reality or the validation of their dreams, and experience a life that feels good right now. Um, I can be reached on uh your socials, which you might be streaming this from, as well as uh my website at the stacymlewis.com, always in the show notes. What you got, sir Wayne? Me too, Stace.

Coach Wayne:

You can reach me at VIP Transformative Transformative Living.com, and all of my social handles are there. And uh, you know, if you want to send me a DM on wherever you're hearing me today, just do that. I'm happy to drop you my self-assessment to kind of get you up to speed with your next step.

Coach Stacy:

Love it, love it, love it. Um affirmations, Stace. Affirmations, hmm.

Coach Wayne:

I don't need to suffer silently to be valuable, and midlife is allowed to come with some renegotiations, hmm, and I can honor my capacity without guilt. That's right. Clearer is kinder than resentment, clarity is kinder than resentment.

Coach Stacy:

That that is so true. It's kinder to you and kinder to the others. So our word of encouragement is you don't need to burn the scorecard down, just stop letting it run your life. What you got, Wayne?

Coach Wayne:

Stace. You see what I'm wearing here? Handmade, uh down in Ghana, got it at my name in ceremony, and this is my African name, uh Yo Danso, and Yo represents the child of Thursday. See, I was born on a Thursday, so there's a female version to women born on Thursday, but your first name shows us oftentimes has a uh notation for the day you were born. Okay, yeah, and this is Dan so that belongs that's the family name, and it really represents uh leader, uh strength, steadiness, that sort of stuff. So that's who I am. Yo, Dan So. And to folks celebrating this February, happy Black History Month. World History. Absolutely.

Coach Stacy:

That that was that was good. I I enjoy I enjoyed that educational moment. Uh, I encourage you to keep sharing and to honor your history, um, our culture, and those that have gone before us to really pave the way that you and I could sit here and host the Midlife Revolution Unleashed. I'm cheering you on, and I'll see you at the top. Thanks for tuning in to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. We're grateful you're part of this journey.

Coach Wayne:

If you love this episode, share it, subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you don't miss another episode.

Coach Stacy:

I'm Coach Stacy and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne:

And I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.

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