What If Grief Is Not A Season To Survive But A Love To Remember

We explore how to navigate holiday grief in midlife with honesty, faith, and practical tools that honor love without hiding pain. We share rituals, affirmations, and boundaries that help you move through the season with compassion for yourself and others.

• loss beyond death including divorce and pets
• normalising grief and naming emotions
• faith as comfort not cure
• choosing memories over absence
• healing rituals for home and family
• men’s emotions and dropping the “stay strong” script
• boundaries over obligation during holidays
• affirmations to anchor daily practice
• practical steps and when to seek help

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Transcript

Opening And Purpose

Coach Stacy 0:02

The holidays can be beautiful, but they can also reopen every wound you thought was healed. When you've lost someone you love, a parent, a partner, a sibling, a friend, the season hits differently, and suddenly the lights are bright. But sometime your spirit feels dim.

Coach Wayne 0:26

And if you're in midlife, you've probably experienced more loss than you talk about. But today, on today's show, we want to help you navigate the holidays with grace, remembrance, and emotional strength without stuffing your feelings or pretending you're okay. Let's make this happen for them today, Stacy. You found the midlife revolution unleashed the space to embrace your wisdom, reignite your passions, and move boldly into what's next. I am Coach Wayne, the VIP coach.

Coach Stacy 1:11

And I'm Coach Stacy M. Lewis. We're here with insights, stories, and strategies to fuel your midlife journey. So take a breath, lean in. Your revolution starts now. Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. I'm chuckling at myself as I just realized I had not turned my phone on by Bray. So these are the real lives and times of such creative podcast hosts as Coach Stacy and Coach Wayne. I am Coach Stacy, a midlife woman's coach, a nonprofit executive, and a lover of God and his people. And I'm always so overjoyed to be here with my esteemed co-host, Coach Wayne.

Naming Loss Beyond Death

Coach Wayne 2:03

Thank you, Stacy. Thank you. And I'm absolutely delighted as well to be on the platform sharing with the direction of the most high, as we always start with a prayer of you and I, in terms of just having discernment, proper discernment, so that we can honor the God we serve and be a blessing to those that are listening in. Stacy, today, you know, after a weekend of no internet today, I feel great and I don't take for granted losses, right? Because losses come in many ways. That is true. Yeah, we grieve differently. And so, right after the start earlier, Stacy, I paused because I wanted people to really take it in and get prepared because this is serious stuff we're talking about. So many people I know are affected by it, including myself and you. And so I wanted us to get ready today to gather some strategies and skill sets to get through this tough period of dealing with losses.

Coach Stacy 2:59

Yeah, yeah, it's uh gonna be a good ride. Um, for those that uh may not know, I lost my mom uh uh all of my life, needless to say. Uh, but at the age of 94, my mom passed away earlier this year. And certainly it has been uh, I guess I'll use the term a roller coaster. Uh, but in today's episode, we really want to talk about that experience and ways to um honor and acknowledge the experience. Uh, and our hope is that we will leave you with some tools, um, some opportunities, and some good old coaching questions to get you through this season with hope, with joy, a little bit of happiness, even as you acknowledge and experience grief.

Coach Wayne 4:01

Stacy, uh, this time of year is especially hard for folks who have had losses because for many people, we don't care to celebrate Thanksgiving just for the turkey or Christmas for the gifts, but for the fact that it helps to bring family together. And you know what it feels like when grandma or mother or dad or somebody else was at that table, at that chair last year or previously, and they're no longer there. It really intensifies the pain.

Normalizing Grief And Men’s Emotions

Coach Stacy 4:33

Yes, it does. And and let's acknowledge that while the main premise may be the physical loss of a human being, the reality is that sometime you experience that deep loss because of divorce. It could be the deep loss of your long-loved pet. Loss is loss. We don't want to diminish or compare. Uh, in this season, the holidays, you know, the lights, the jovial music, all of that. Um, there are opportunities for us to acknowledge the grief that is sometime sometimes heightened during this time and um move through it in ways that are healthy.

Coach Wayne 5:25

Stacey, you talked about just now losses, losses is so true. I I think I shared with you on route to my mental health um career piece now. I'm in a group that has a lot of men, uh, white men, most of whom are gay, but nonetheless, they share similar issues around losses, death, spouse in terms of separation, divorce. And one gentleman talked about his pet, and he is still grieving. And it may seem to somebody else who is talking about loss of a partner, right? A human partner, that oh man, you know, I'd rather lose a pet. But this pet is is so much more than just a dog, right? And there's an emptiness, and so the same strategies for how you deal with that loss can be employed for the loss that you have around a pet or uh or something or someone else. Very significant.

Coach Stacy 6:26

Yeah, I again I we definitely don't want to diminish one or the other. Um, our listener also knows that I have a dog, uh, you know, and thank God right now he's doing just great. The reality though is his expected life, his ex his life expectancy is much shorter than mine. So um, you know, I acknowledge that that that's just part of the reality. And uh I love my dog. It doesn't compare to the love I have for my mom, but love is love, right? And loss is loss. And the grief uh that we experience will not follow a calendar or um an opportune moment. Uh, we talk about how grief comes in waves sometimes, and sometimes that moment is not very opportune. Uh, and it doesn't really care if we're supposed to be merry and bright because that's what the season calls for. Um, you know, we can we can acknowledge the grief that we are in and recognize its presence just like we can recognize the presence of love.

Coach Wayne 7:48

Yeah, and Stacy, to your point, we're talking here about normalizing what we're feeling. This time of year, sometimes we get angry, we get sad, we withdraw, we we go through stuff, and we don't have to think that we're weirdos or freaks. Uh, it's it's the way that we express and experience grief oftentimes, and uh just normalize it. Don't don't see yourself as different and weird. And as a coach, you know, I might challenge you to say, well, what emotions come up for you this time of year? Let's name it, let's tag it this way.

Midlife Cumulative Loss And Pressure To Hide

Coach Stacy 8:23

Mm-hmm. And I love what you said in the intro about this season of life, right? In midlife. And I'm sure that many in our audience have experienced this, that as you get older, uh the reality is that we have likely experienced more loss than our younger counterparts. Now, I'm not saying it's an all or nothing or a hard, fast rule, um, but that that is the life trajectory for the most part. And so recognizing that it may not be just that one loss, but that cumulative loss causing those emotions that you just talked about, and really giving ourselves the opportunity to spend a little time asking ourselves that question, right? What are the emotions? Uh, is it tied to one loss or multiple losses? And another question is: do you feel obligated or pressured to hide that grief, those emotions from others?

Coach Wayne 9:46

That's deep. Um, and in men, again, we have learned that we don't cry, we don't show sadness, we don't show our emotions. We we don't get raw, we can't be authentic. And unfortunately, it's changing, but unfortunately, the stigma still is around men uh being tough. You know, I talked in an episode maybe last year about a funeral that I may have attended, I think it was um last year. And at the funeral, people were saying to the man who had lost a person in his family, you know, stand up, brother, stay strong, stay strong. Why? Why do we need to stay strong when we have had a real loss? We can stay real, right? And no need to hide that we're in pain, Stacy. Yeah, let's define. Sorry, go ahead, Stacey.

What Not To Say And Holding Space

Coach Stacy 10:44

No, I was just gonna say, uh, often, you know, listening to you talk about the the stay strong, stay strong, often people don't know what to say. Yeah, and um even I've experienced um you know, I lost my mom back in March. And as people learn of it even now, they don't know what to say, you know, and so sometimes it comes out as a little, I don't want to use the word stupid, but it's the first thing that comes to mind, right? Just like a like, what that why would I do that? Or or you know, someone I know um one of my coaches told the story, told me the story of how um someone said to her as her mom passed, uh, well, we all lose our mothers, you know, like okay, that's not very helpful. And okay. So I I think I just want to acknowledge, right, that that because so often societally we've not been taught, for lack of a better word, to just you know that that death is a sad reality. Um, you know, and so for those of us left behind, and and so that is not something we're accustomed to having the right thing to say. And as you go through that experience, I think it just changes even. I I know it's changed for me, my ability to hold space, even if it's in silence, right? Because I don't want to say the wrong thing. And sometimes it's okay to be silent, and people are just not used to that.

Coach Wayne 12:46

Yeah, we talk about also, you know, a lot of my friends um have gone through marriage. Some have gone through through marriage, and some are still being uh working through it. And those that um have had marriages that ended, even you know, unless typically if it's not an abusive situation, but it ended because you had just different alignments, values, whatever it is, you know, you got married to the person because you got married to the person that you thought would be a life partner, nobody wants to get married to end it. Right. And and so the things that you experienced and shared while you were married oftentimes can be missed, and sometimes they're habitual stuff. And usually holidays is a time when people express togetherness, like we talked about. And so if you are dealing with a partner of a couple and and and you knew both of them, to your point, it's kind of awkward to express, you know, how you're feeling, you know, where's John or Tom or you know, it's it's hard, it was it's very awkward. Sometimes we don't know what to say while the person is grieving for that loss, because they're divorced doesn't mean that the love ended or the the space has been filled yet.

Coach Stacy 14:08

Right, right. No, that's that's well said, the the space, right? That um the gift of love is that it does occupy space in you, right? In in us as spiritual beings, and uh it it does leave a void when that person leaves, and and it doesn't mean that the love is gone, uh, but it does leave a void. And uh, you know, I really strive not to use the word of God to to placate or as some I I don't know, you know, uh uh just a flimpant way of moving through a situation, yet I will say that being reminded um that God is close to the brokenhearted, right? And it doesn't just say brokenhearted because you've someone has died, right? It is your heart is broken, that God is close to the brokenhearted, and um, you know, that is for me and hopefully for many others, um, just a reminder. God is close to the brokenhearted, and so even though your heart is still breaking, um, that that God is still with you, you are not alone.

Coach Wayne 15:34

Yeah, and Stacy, you talked about the brokenhearted. We really feel the pain. And so, one of the things as coaches, we would ask you to do is to identify where in your body are you feeling that discomfort, that pain. And and and you want to zero in so that you can address it and know it for what it is, you know. Um, broken heart can really feel like a pain in the chest.

Faith As Comfort, Not Eraser

Coach Stacy 16:04

Yes, yes, yes, yes, it can, yes, it can. And I love using embodiment um in my coaching practice. I think it is important for us to really recognize it, goes back to recognizing, to being in touch, to identifying um that when we can sense like where we feel that internally, we can begin to heal that internally.

Coach Wayne 16:34

Yeah. Because you are allowed to feel sadness as human. Um, we suggest that you don't fight it, you don't hide from it, but also recognize that your faith can get you through this and will get you through this. Um, you know, there's there's so much to be said for folks who know that they're not alone and that there is, in fact, uh light at the end of the tunnel. And that's usually something that you can have accessible to you when you look at your faith.

Coach Stacy 17:10

Yes, yes, yes. And you and and our faith, um it it doesn't erase the grief, right? The faith I I don't know about for you, Wayne, but for me, the faith doesn't mean I don't feel grief, it simply means that it strengthens me through it, right? So it's not there to erase. We're not talking about faith being uh the magic pill a solve or anything like that, right? Um, but it but it does help to strengthen you and again to comfort you, yeah.

Coach Wayne 17:50

And so the challenge would be do you need some time alone with God? Do you need during this period, this season, some time to reflect? Friend of mine, he went away and he did a silent retreat, and he had had some losses and was struggling with some losses as far as his adult son had sort of eloped. They were going through a thing, and that was a loss. And that was grieving this father that had been truly so endearing to his beloved son, and so he took some time alone where he could be with God and have a greatest commune.

Coach Stacy 18:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to give ourselves permission, right? One of our affirmations or declarations can be I give myself permission to feel, to heal, and to be held by God. That is that is what we believe. And, you know, certainly our hope, we're not here to convert anyone, um, but for for both of us, our faith is an important grounding. And so our hope is that um that you find it helpful.

Coach Wayne 19:06

Stacey, I just came from this beautiful trip to the motherland. I was in Ghana, and for for days that I'll never forget. And um, some of the practices that I noticed in Ghana, um, akin to were akin to ours. It's it's highly religious in terms of their faith. They're Christians. There's a church every so often punctuated everywhere, and there are Islamic folks too, and they're natural, they're folks who do the traditional thing. But the respect that they all have, uh, there weren't people, uh it's happening in Niger, but in Ghana, there weren't people fighting each other. One of the things that I noticed is that for losses, the entire town is notified. So they have huge placards and posters all over the entire village when there's a loss. So if you're cooking a curry goat to have people over, you better have. A herd of goats because everybody's gonna show up. Say that in jest, but it's true. Weddings are the same, by the way, in Ghana. But Stacy, uh they celebrated uh the memory of their ancestors, those who have passed on, and they did that in a way to uh honor and keep that presence in and with them. And so I I would say to folks, as you grieve, feel free to look at the scrapbook, don't run away from it. Feel free to remember the memories. Feel free to do that, invite that presence of what some people may run away from, the fact that that person was an integral part of your life.

Choosing Memories Over Absence

Coach Stacy 20:47

Yes, yes, I love that. Um, it really is acknowledging the memories as something that you have. Grief is really focusing on what we no longer have, right? What we lost, the memories, the good times, the uh funny jokes, the mannerisms, all of that is something we have. And so as we focus on on what we do have, so here's an example. I keep thinking, so the last time the entire family was together before my mom passed was last Christmas. So this Christmas, we'll all be together, minus one. And I can't help but think about how my mother at 94, we I had brought this new card game to the table. It I can't even remember what it was, the five crowns or something like that. It had all these complex rules, and my mother loves cards. So she was learning the rules, she's spanking the youngins, you know what I mean? I'm talking about the teenagers, the 20-year-olds, the 30 years old, the myself, you know what I'm saying? She's spanking us, she's like, no, that's not the rule, right? And so I'm choosing, right? Each of us gets to decide. And so I'm choosing, even as I go to my brother's house for the holidays, which we always went there because that's where my mom was, very close to my brother. And I'm choosing to hold that that memory, that experience in such bright light. Uh, and it doesn't mean I don't remember that there's a loss, but it does mean that I'm choosing to focus on what I what I do have. You know, we still have this beautiful family, despite all of its flaws and quirks and all of that, right? Because of my mom, because of my parents, right? So um I think it's the reminder that we get to choose whether we're gonna focus on what we no longer have or on what we do have.

Affirmations And Personal Rituals

Coach Wayne 23:27

Yeah, and the truth is we have lost the physical body, but the impact, as you said, the experiences, the memories, those things count, and you can choose to reject that or to embrace it. Yeah, Stacey, I would say as an affirmation, I cherish the love that lives beyond lost. It's something that I'm challenging or encouraging you, the listener, to use, you know, uh to affirm what you're going through.

Coach Stacy 24:03

Yes, yes. We get to decide. I love it, I love it. Um, so I've shared what memories make me smile. Uh, and I think that it's a great coaching question. What memory makes you smile every single time?

Coach Wayne 24:21

Yeah. What legacy, what did your loved ones give to you, give to the world that lives on today? That's worth honoring. That's a great question.

Coach Stacy 24:38

Yeah, right. And so how guys no, you go, Wayne.

Coach Wayne 24:44

I was just asking about creating um some rich rituals to heal, to honor your loved ones, but to heal, you know, like on the Christmas tree, having a stalking with their name.

Coach Stacy 25:00

Yeah, yep, or their their photo. Um, you know, I cook, my mom cooked. Uh, she's a great cook. I think I'm a pretty good cook. I don't know if I call myself a great cook, yeah, but I do carry forward that uh that that feeling, and maybe it's one of, you know, one of those love languages, right? Maybe we shared that love language of of cooking for the family. And so, you know, sometimes I I cook foods that she really enjoyed. So that's another way, another ritual, another thing we can do to help us heal is to cook their favorite meal, um, just in honor of their memory.

Coach Wayne 25:48

Yeah, now now I hate old songs, like I'm a young guy, but my mother loved, you know, the Ding Cosby's Doris Day, and some other. And sometimes I listen to that just to bring her back in in that space that I loved when we were we were kids, and and she was there creating the sorrow. You know, sorrow, Stacey.

Boundaries Over Obligation

Coach Stacy 26:13

Yes, yes, sir. My my sister called me the other day. She said, I think I'm gonna make some sorrow.

Coach Wayne 26:19

You know, we're all that put some some rum up in that sorrow, though.

Coach Stacy 26:24

Well, you know, my sister doesn't drink, but it's like she brings the sorrow, then you you you add to it as you so choose.

Coach Wayne 26:32

But this is part of the memory, yes, and and how you keep the legacy and make sure that it's not um that you haven't killed your own spirit, yes, yes, yes.

Coach Stacy 26:43

You said you said Doris Day made me want to break out into k-da exactly, exactly.

Coach Wayne 26:51

Well be will be my grief honors my love, my rituals honor their legacy. That's an affirmation that we're giving to you.

Coach Stacy 27:02

That's good, that's good. Repeat that, please, sir.

Coach Wayne 27:05

My grief honors my love, my rituals honor their legacy. Right, so we do those things, you know. That's good, we do it in mass, right? All right, Veterans Day, we we take a holiday, we fly flags half-massed. It's really the same thing that we're talking about here, creating these rituals to on the legacy.

Coach Stacy 27:32

Yes, yes, and we remember that even in those large or mass experiences, that everyone grieves differently. Yes, and so as we witness that those various expressions of grief, our hope is that it gives the listener very broad permission to grieve in their own way, it is not scripted or it doesn't have to look or be like someone else's. It is to recognize that everyone grieves differently, there's no judgment.

Coach Wayne 28:16

That's right, and you have no need to explain to others how you're grieving and how long you grieve. Uh, but you're still worried about his wife. She's been dead and gone 10 years. Come on now, respect the process and the space.

Coach Stacy 28:36

Yes, and and support. And certainly, if you are concerned from that perspective, right, thinking that someone's grief is really gone to a place that appears unhealthy, you know, help them get some help. Let's stop talking about people and judging people and whispering about people, right? As opposed to being our brother and sister's keeper and helping them move through the process.

Action Steps, Coaching, And Takeaways

Coach Wayne 29:09

Yeah, yeah. I'm looking at my cheat notes to the right here. You know, where do you need to create space instead of obligation?

Coach Stacy 29:22

Yeah, that's another one. That's that's that's a good question. Yeah, that's a that's a good question, right? Because you have to determine your own emotional boundaries, right? And create the space that you need, not based on what someone else desires or someone else wants or someone else expects of you, but you create the space that you need because of your boundaries, not obligation. That's that's a good question, Wayne.

Coach Wayne 29:56

And Stacey, self-creation created boundaries is really um heightened what I would call emotional intelligence. It's it's self-care. When you have boundaries and you set them up for yourself, people have to respect it if you hold forth and say, This is the boundary. You can't call me here. You can't, you know, this is my way. I want to go to the beach and and and and and spread the ashes. Whatever you want to do, right? You create your boundaries, and no one should be able to tell you that it's not okay.

Coach Stacy 30:33

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry, Wayne, because this is gonna sound. Hopefully, our listeners will will indulge me. Um, because you you know, you say go to the beach and spread the ashes, but you know, in many states, if not the government, like it's you gotta you can't spread ashes anywhere. So I was remembering all of the hoops and understandings that we had to embrace and adopt after my dad passed. He was very clear, I want to be cremated and then, you know, put me in the ocean. Yeah, but you just can't do that from the shore. So I just want to let those of you know, yes, go to the beach and honor your loved one, just make sure you're following the law because we would not want the story to be that you know, I went to the beach to scatter the ashes of my loved one and I ended up with a$1,000 summer.

Coach Wayne 31:34

I didn't I didn't even know that, Stacy.

Coach Stacy 31:36

Uh we don't want that, but at but your point is no definitely valid. And so really your boundaries are something that only you can put in place and keep.

Coach Wayne 31:53

Yeah, yeah. And before we w wind up having folks do their their action steps, you know, um, some affirmations that we think you can hold on to would include this one here. Um, love hasn't died, it's transformed.

Coach Stacy 32:11

That's good, that's good. Mm-hmm. I'll I'll go with uh the declaration of I honor my emotions even when others don't understand them.

Coach Wayne 32:22

Powerful. My heart is healing one day at a time.

Coach Stacy 32:27

One day at a time, yes. Yes, I allow myself to feel without judgment.

Coach Wayne 32:34

Stace, want to leave the folks with some next steps, some assigned homework, as it were.

Coach Stacy 32:41

Absolutely. I the whole goal, right, is to move through the grief and the loss, uh, not to sit and and be stuck in the loss and the and the the weight of the emotion of the loss, but to move through. And one way uh to do that is to write down one joyful memory of your loved one and revisit it once a week, once a day, whatever works for you, but to really make sure that you're capturing the joy and write it down. There's something about writing things down. Um, write it down, that joyful memory of your loved one.

Coach Wayne 33:28

And say if your excuses, I don't write, I don't like writing, then then tell someone, tell one trusted person what you're feeling and what your needs are. Okay.

Coach Stacy 33:39

Yeah, yeah. I I think, you know, again, we have to give ourselves permission as well to if you need to skip the event because you're just not emotionally ready, that's okay. If you need to set aside what is called or what has been deemed a tradition, uh, because it actually has become something that has lost its joy, set that aside for now.

Coach Wayne 34:10

Stace, I believe in therapy. I believe in coaching. I believe that if you're going through some of this stuff, some losses, some emotional um grieving right here this season, reach out to a coach such as Stacey or myself, and uh we'll help you go through some of the struggles and the hardships or the denials, whatever it is that is raised, even anger. We will try to help you get through those. And if needed, we'll refer you for further counseling.

Coach Stacy 34:47

Absolutely, absolutely. It is it is indeed our joy, and we are here to be of service and encourage our midlife community. Uh, grief doesn't take a holiday, but neither does love. Stacey, tell the folks um just at least one major takeaway from today's one major takeaway is that your grief is valid, it is sacred, and it is uniquely yours.

Coach Wayne 35:27

And I would add, thank you, Stacy. That was powerful. I would add that healing doesn't mean uh forget it. Healing doesn't mean forget it. Stacy, we're at the bottom of the hour. We've uh done it again.

Coach Stacy 35:46

Well, we want to thank our listener for being here at the Midlife Revolution Unleashed. I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 35:57

And you know me, I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll definitely see you at the top.

Coach Stacy 36:06

Thanks for tuning in to Midlife Revolution Unleashed. We're grateful you're part of this journey.

Coach Wayne 36:12

If you love this episode, share it, subscribe, and hit that notification bell so you don't miss another episode.

Coach Stacy 36:19

I'm Coach Stacy, and I'm cheering you on.

Coach Wayne 36:22

And I'm Coach Wayne, and I'll see you at the top.